Torn Down in the Name of Convenience*

It’s probably about time for me to pull High Fidelity out of the old DVD book.  It’s been a while and, lately, everything seems to be pointing me in the direction of Cusack.  Other than his brief, yet stellar, performance in Sixteen Candles, there was no character quite like Rob Gordon to take the edge off my own life.

Okay, fine, there was that somewhat mysterious, too dorky to realize he was cool, man of every girl’s dreams character, Lloyd Dobler.  But everyone knows that the deeper brooding and overtly-melancholy fucked-up-ness of Rob is way closer to real life.  Lloyd is the one we all want; sweet, devoted, teaches us to drive a stick-shift, supports us when our dad goes to prison, goes with us to London. 

But every woman knows that boom-box thing would never happen in real life.  Instead, he’d probably end up hating London because the cloudy and gloomy days would bring out his inner emo and he’d fly back to the states to ruminate over his failed relationship for the next decade.  In the end Lloyd will just end up owning a flailing record store, borrowing money from us that he’ll never pay back, and cheating.  Sorry but it’s a true fact that the girls looking for Lloyd pretty much universally end up with Rob.

But I digress…back to Cusack.

Another thing pulling me into Cusack-dom was this book I read yesterday “Stupid and Contagious” by Caprice Crane.  The main male character all but tells us that he’s Rob Gordon.  So of course that character was all I could picture through the entire book.  But, you know, with blue eyes. 

The book was phenomenal, recommended by a friend as she said the writing style was so similar to mine she almost thought she was reading my work.  I knew what my friend meant within about 10 pages.  I will definitely read every book Crane has written.  Especially if she has more characters like Rob.

And I almost completely forgot about The Raven coming out in just four short weeks.  I’d heard about this last year but didn’t know how I felt about it.  If I were making the ‘Rob’s Top Five Authors of All Time List’, Poe would pretty much be in the number one and number two spot.  I was convinced they’d take the most well-known of Poe’s poems and hack it to bits (haha, yeah, slight pun intended).  But they’re not.  Hacking it I mean.  The poem is the inspiration for the movie and I seriously can’t wait.

The movie is about a detective who joins up with Poe to solve a whole bunch of murders that someone is perpetuating based on his writing.  Not that I support serial killers or anything but seriously, how cool is that concept?  Only thing better than having a stalker when you write like Poe does is to have someone respect your work so much that they start living it.  That’s hardcore.  I may break my no theater and no horror (ish) rules for this one. 

Oh yeah, Cusack plays Poe.  Not the serial killer (or so we think, who knows right?).  Not a hitman, like some other characters he’s already played.  But he still gets to be all dark and broody.  Oh Cusack, it’s like you were born for this role.

Anyway, seems the world is pushing me to do some kind of list, top five or something, so I’m doing this Sunday Stealing meme.  While I wait for my book’s copyright registration to come through I may just have to have a Cusack movie marathon later this week because I'm clearly running out of interesting blog posts... 

1. Which TV character do you think you are most like?

Other than the baby thing Christina Applegate’s character on “Up All Night” springs to mind.  Otherwise I’ll go with Miranda.  Also sans baby.

2. What time do you go to bed?

At exactly 11:07 every night.  If I stay up until 11:08 I know the world will cave in and the locusts will come.

3. What was the last meal you made from scratch?

AH HAHAHAHAHA!!!!  Oh wait, you’re serious about that question?  Does throw-everything-into-a-crockpot-and-pray count as “from scratch”?

4. What is your favorite type of music?

Obviously I should be saying something about outer limit progressive hipster shit that no one has ever heard of (including the hipsters, seriously) but I don’t drink enough Starbucks to be that cool.  Plus I don’t have the effort to keep up my work out routine enough to get into black skinny jeans.  So I’ll just go with pop.  Just like Rob, who was a progressive hipster.  Maybe.  Makes me feel like I'm in good company or something.

“What came first, the music or the misery? People worry about kids playing with guns, or watching violent videos, that some sort of culture of violence will take them over. Nobody worries about kids listening to thousands, literally thousands of songs about heartbreak, rejection, pain, misery and loss. Did I listen to pop music because I was miserable? Or was I miserable because I listened to pop music?”

- Rob Gordon

5. In what position do you sleep?

I’ll go with lying down like most of the other humans I know.

6. What is your first memory?

I forget.

7. What is your least favorite smell?

Top 5 all-time least favorite smells: skunk, puke, horse poop, wet dog, and cat pee.

8. Its your round at the pub and your friends asked you to surprise them. What drink would you buy and why?

Beer.  Because I’m cheap and boring.  And we’re in a pub for god sake.  What do you want, a fucking mojito?

9. What was the last thing you read/watched that made you cry?

America’s Next Top Model.  Every time they send a girl home for being beautiful and skinny but just not "modely" enough I feel so sad for her…

10. They say that you learn something new every day. What was the last thing you have learned?

That my husband had no idea how they changed from ice to parquet and back to ice at The Garden.

11. Which Literary love interests would you snog, marry and avoid.

Seriously no opinion on this, never even thought about it before.  But now I will.  And I'll get back to you.  Maybe.

12. What is your oldest memory?

See #6

13. Paperback, Hardback or Kindle? Which of these is your favorite reading format and why?

Books.  Real ones.  I can’t bring myself to use a tablet.  I even downloaded Kindle to my phone and I’ve made it through about 10 pages of a book I’m actually enjoying.  I also added it to my library queue.  There is something Zen and gratifying to flip actual pages even if its heavier to carry.  Technology is not always the better choice for me.

14. If you could bring back any canceled TV series for another run what would you pick and why?

“Family Ties”, I think there was just so much more they could have done with Skippy.

Sunday Stealing provided the questions.  As a side note I deleted #15 because it was word for word the same question as #13.

A meme really is an excellent choice for those “feeling basic”. 

*“Pointes” to you if you got the reference in the title.

Samantha Baker, Eat Your Heart Out

Last night I went to my first ever book reading and signing.  The evening was made possible by Jen Lancaster, Author of many memoirs.  Hilarious, snarky and bitterly honest memoirs.  Now her first fiction novel called “If You Were Here” is out and I’ve wanted to buy it since the day it dropped.  Not only because I love her work as a general rule but also, see the linked tab up above on my blog - “Vacation In the Ghetto”?  Yeah, well her book is apparently the fiction equivalent of my real life experience.  It has to be read.

Since arriving in Arizona last year I’ve run around doing all kinds of stuff I’d never done before.  It started to occur to me that life is just way too short not to enjoy myself.  And why would I ever want to limit the possibilities of things I might enjoy because maybe somewhere in my mind I convinced myself it wouldn’t be fun?  I wouldn’t.  That’s why I decided to go to this book reading and signing last night.

And insert complete dork here.

Why did I consider myself such a dork?  Well, it occurred to me while I was standing in line, waiting for my turn at the table, that this woman is probably in my top five Authors of all time.  And there she was.  Right in front of me in real life, not just a photo on the back of her book.  Sitting at the Barnes & Noble at Desert Ridge in all her hilarious, tan and fabulous, snarky and brutally honest beauty, with a black Sharpie marker and a head full of the same movie references that I’ve been spewing for over twenty-five years.

But here’s the trick, I only know one other person who devours her work like I do and that friend lives in California.  I was on my own for this experience.

If there is a Chick-Lit equivalent in memoir writing Jen Lancaster has cornered the market.  Her work is witty, sharp, self-depreciating, honest, self-educational and bitter.  These are the kinds of events a girl is supposed to go to with her girlfriends so they can grab a glass of wine afterwards and rehash all the hilarious bits of the night.  Instead, I had Matt drop me off and he went to get us a Kinect while I giggled and nodded alone for an hour.

As I inched slowly toward the front of the line I realized that, not only had I just listened to one of the funniest passages from a memoir I’d ever heard in my entire life (because oh goodness how it resonates), but that I was literally about ten people away from meeting my I-aspire-to-be-you inspiration Author.  My palms literally started sweating.

I don’t run in any kind of celebrity circle or anything but I’m pretty sure celebrity types would all say that unless you made the most lasting impression ever – threw up on them, squealed uncontrollably, got arrested for trying to kidnap them – they are never going to remember you specifically.  Your face, clothes, inane stories about how your friend spells your name JenN so she doesn’t forget the second N, and pout when your favorite Author calls that second N “superfluous”, will all just blend into a vast sea of other idiot dorks who think their stories are somehow going to be the thing that makes her want to get your cell phone number and ask you to hang out after the event to grab a drink.

Because they do that, right?

Okay, in all fairness to myself here I wasn’t quite that deluded, I’m not a total moron, but I did at least want to make a good first impression on this woman.  I’m a Writer.  A Writer of snarky, witty, punchy, Tomboy-Lit.  The chances we will find ourselves in the same room at the same conference or event in the future is more than very possible.

So I didn’t want to be a complete fan-girl dork.  But I was.  At least in my head I was.

After my verbal equivalent of throwing up on the very person I aspire to mimic (career wise) was over, I came around the back of the table and headed for the door where Matt had stowed the escape vehicle that would hopefully get me out of my own head. 

As soon as I got in the car I texted my sister (who knew I was going to this because I believe I somehow managed to evoke jumping up and down, clapping and squealing in a text when I was on the way there).  I professed my utter dork-hood.  I lamented that I’m just freakishly awkward and that meeting people I admire forces the dork-o-meter up about a billion times higher. 

She said “Bet you only felt awkward you were great I’m sure.”

And somewhere in my head I heard “I don’t think you’re a dork.  I don’t think Mom thinks you’re a dork.”  “Mike thinks I’m a dork.”  “Mike is a dork.”

Updateapalooza

So much going on right now I hardly know where to begin!  This is going to be one of those scattered and broken thought process kind of posts today so I can jam it all in there.  Aren’t you lucky?  Well of course you are!  I'm bringing Broken Thought Process Thursday back, woo hoo! For today anyway.

Ripple the Twine

Most importantly, the book is progressing nicely (especially considering the BTPTh link above includes an excerpt that isn't even in the finished MS anymore).  I will be acquiring the ISBN in the next couple weeks (budget, budget, budget!) and hopefully will finish formatting in about the same timeframe.  THAT is a lot of work let me tell you!  But it’s totally necessary and I don’t mind doing it knowing the book will look so much prettier when complete.

Judi FitzPatrick Studio was in-state recently and we had a little photo shoot for my book cover.  We’re working out specifics now and that should be wrapped up in the next couple weeks as well.  Can’t wait until that’s all situated, once I have the cover art it’s on like Ping-Pong, bitches!  I can order business cards, bookmarks, posters and other marketing material and I can get the graphic all over the place (promote, promote, promote!).

Also, I essentially had to start a publishing house in order to do this self-publish thing but it wasn’t too hard, just a lot of reading on the IRS website for EIN’s and stuff (research, research, research!).  Come to find out the EIN I had for CSD will work for Writesy Press as well.  I like the name, think it has a nice ring to it and it looks kind of sweet inside the front cover!

Ed-u-ma-cation

School is O.V.E.R.  Forever and finally. 

I know everyone says ‘never say never’ and all that but I think I should just finally admit to myself that I’m not the type who wants or needs a formal, structured, education in my life. 

My relationship with higher education began twenty years ago (almost to the month in fact…fuck, I’m feeling old!) when I first stepped through the doors at Middlesex Community College.  I started thinking about this quite a bit back in mid-January when I decided to withdraw from Ashford University.  I think all the financial messiness was the final straw but I really started to look back on all the signs and personal challenges over the years as related to college and how it was a non-essential part of my life.

I’ve gone to four different schools for four different paths over the past two decades.  I’ve accumulated massive debt and have absolutely no knowledge of how that debt will be repaid as I don’t have a steady paycheck (yet).  I’ve gone to, and subsequently dropped out of all but one program; the second attempt was just a short-term certificate course.  Basically, as I’ve said before, I’m the Sandra Bullock character in Forces of Nature with a four page long resume.

Ashford Instructors started to be less and less involved, yet I stayed.  The course content became less and less related to the course, yet I stayed.  The other students in class displayed less and less intelligence as each class went on, yet I stayed.  Then the bitches tried to fuck with my money.  It was like the proverbial baseball bat upside the head, I finally knew it was time to just admit that school is not my thing and get out so I could finally start learning.

The Attorney General in the state of Iowa was contacted and given specifics about the financial stuff.  They have decided to take the case.  If I can save just one person from being denied an education that they actually want, but can't complete because the shady financial practices cause them to leave school, then I'll feel like the battle was all worth it.  I may never even know but that's okay, I like happy endings so I'll go ahead and believe its possible.

Battling Against Cancer

One of the things I’ve learned recently in the school of the world is that there are people out there who get the shaft for absolutely no reason.  These people are so fucking great there should be statues in their honor in town squares and stuff.  They are selfless, kind, caring, giving and struggling, yet they still continue to give.  That’s hardcore rainbows and sunshine people!

You all know my dear friend Ginger, right?  No?  Well you can check out her link – Life & Bagels.  She & I met in the coolest way possible – through comments left on Jason Mraz’s (late) blog, Freshness Factor Five Thousand (RIP).  Yup, that’s right.  Represent for all the early lovers of the love!  We’ve known each other for about five-ish years already (holy shnikeys!) but have never met. 

Whatever.  Face-to-face has no bearing on friendship.  I’ve got a really good friend in Ohio who’s married and has a kid.  He’s about a year older than me and we met for the first time at his wedding almost ten years ago.  We had been pen-pals since I was sixteen years old.  Yes, remember actual letters?  Just like the blogs and comments of today’s generation.  You can know a person without knowing them.  So, anyway, back to Ginger.

Last year she was diagnosed with carcinosarcoma.  Yeah it’s a mouthful.  It’s cancer.  Those words are never going to be easy to pronounce because medical type people want you to linger over the names as long as possible.  Fuckers.  Anyway, Ginger is a working gal with a limited insurance plan and getting treatment to survive a cancer that no one walks for or really even knows about.  Its pretty rare.  It sucks that she has this, it sucks that the treatment is a bitch to pay for.

What doesn’t suck is that the people she works with all pitched in and bought her a car recently (she was a public transportation kind of gal for a while there).  What also doesn’t suck is her attitude.  The woman is a freaking cancer battling ninja!  But a few bucks would really help her to pay the bills for all of the stuff she has to do to be the ninja.  You can go right over to PayPal and send her a tax deductible donation at whatwouldgingerdo@gmail.com  Any amount is welcomed.

Goals to strive for

I have four daily goals right now.  For as long as I can muster the courage and strength to continue to strive for them I’m looking forward to completing as many per day as I can.  The ideal would be to do at least three of the four every day.  They are:

·         Write

·         Read

·         Exercise

·         Socialize (and I don’t mean strictly through online media)

And would ya look at that?  Here’s my first goal already achieved and it’s barely even 9:00 AM in Phoenix!

So to recap – Ripple the Twine is coming out in April through Writesy Press, my mom is a kick ass Photographer, I’m officially a student of the world, my mind-body-soul is being worked on as often as possible, and my friend really could use some help. 

That email again -- whatwouldgingerdo@gmail.com

So that’s pretty much it for now.  Kaythanxhaveagreatday!