The Best Laid (Up) Plans

Never fails right? Career plans get made, actions are being taken, things start looking like they could shift for the better financially and then boom! Some random health symptoms that even Doctor House can't explain move in just in time to fuck it all up. Thanks body, that was so very nice of you. Jackwagon.

Guess I'm at the anger stage now.

I know that its possible I was moving too quickly, doing too much for my own good and I needed to slow down. And its pretty likely this had to happen to ensure that I took a breather. I get that. But breather taken, its so time to get back to my life again. I miss being able to work for more than 3 hours a day without feeling lightheaded and I miss the time when I could drink coffee or a beer without my body staging a revolution.

No coffee in well over a week, no booze since about 5 days ago and I'm down to 2 cigarettes a day. Sounds great but I still feel like crap so what's the point of quitting or cutting back at all? I'm hardly scared anymore so much as just totally over it. I want an answer last week. I want this fixed so I can get back to my life. I want to work. I miss my friends. I miss being comfortable behind the wheel, going shopping, eating, drinking & being merry in public. I miss doing anything besides laying on my couch, drinking water and pretty much only getting up to pee.

Last week I had an appointment with a Cardiologist my PCP referred me to as a precautionary measure. He was the world's biggest asshole with such a lack of compassion that a handful of Facebook friends suggested I send a letter describing as much. He scheduled me for an artery ultrasound & echo cardiogram but couldn't have been too concerned because the soonest they could get me in was the 28th. Terrific. I guess it's not my heart. Or at least there's a very strong chance it isn't. I don't really know because I can't seem to get a straight answer from anyone because no one has a clue what's going on and the circle of referrals continues.

Next we move onto girlie doctors. If that isn't it I'm going to find a Chiropractor, massage therapist and likely an Accupuncturist as well because if Western medicine can't figure me out I might as well start heading East. I'm just going to need someone else to drive me there.

Doctor's Orders

When I was in sixth grade my mom invited my aunt over for dinner one night. My sister and I were helping out with the cooking and I thought it would be nice to have some fancy French cut green beans instead of the boring round kind. After a few beans were successfully halved, the next thing I cut was a big old slice through my thumb.

The cut was so severe we ended up skipping dinner for the emergency room. One full surgery to repair my thumb's tendon and an overnight stay later I was wearing a cast on my left hand. The doctor was emphatic about keeping my hand still to make sure it would heal correctly. About three or four weeks in the cast cracked at the bottom of my thumb and I was thrilled to have some motion back. Eventually the cast was replaced but the same result ensued a short time later.

When we went in for the final removal the doctor assured my mom I'd need physical therapy to regain the mobility of my all important digit. The cast came off and he measured my flexibility. I swear he ran his little silver tool back and forth between my good and bad thumb three times because he couldn't believe what he was seeing. I was just shy of 100% mobility. No PT needed.  Apparently I'd moved just enough to make my thumb heal on its own.

But that was then. I was eleven years old, young, spry and stubborn. Now I'm thirty-nine, hopefully wiser and certainly more cautious. So when I finally heard back from my doctor about what might or might not be going on with my body, and his instructions were to limit my activity until all this is under control, this time I'm listening.

The bloodwork came back and nothing major presented. That was the first sigh of relief. Nothing bad with liver, kidney, not anemia, not cancer. Psychologically that was all a huge weight lifted. Physically however just hearing that news didn't solve my lightheadedness.

Instead of dinner, this time I'm skipping going to Vegas to see my friends renew their vows in the middle of a marathon they've both been training for over the past many months. Does this make me sad? So sad I actually sat sobbing when I sent the message to my friend after cancelling our hotel. But there are some things I just won't fuck with and woozy feelings that have no definitive answers while I'm over 300 miles from home is way up on that list.

Over the weekend I'll be experimenting with some suggestions from the doc and his PA. First is to start taking sodium tablets. When we reduced salt to almost nil with Matt's HBP diet shift it's possible my body went "um, wtf!?" My doc also thinks I might be a low blood sugar candidate which wouldn't be a surprise as it runs in the family. Additionally I'm going on a multi vitamin in case of deficency and amping my water intake to a little over sixty ounces a day.

It is driving me crazy just laying around all day. I miss working but I don't want to do too much. Which of course is stressing me out but until I know what is causing my lightheadedness I'm not taking chances. The good news is that this time my thumbs are at 100% capacity so I can blog on my phone while I lie on the sofa.

At least its something because watching re-runs of 90210 was only fun the first day.

Getting Rid of Clutter and Other News

Yesterday I wrote a big long post over at my website about getting organized so I can start making money as a freelancer. The post is pretty complete and I’m not going to rehash all of the details I included over there because if you really want to know about it then you can go read that one. I’ll wait…

Now that I started the process I’m finding a LOT of stuff that has been taking up mental, emotional, and physical space in my online world that really has to go. Files I haven’t opened in years, documents with print screen shots from paying bills in 2009 (yeah, seriously), websites that aren’t even operable anymore clogging up my favorites – all things I’m working on deleting. And I hate to say it but many blog links are going to be deleted from my sidebar as well.

The reason I hate to say it is because many of these blogs are written by friends. People I love, people who have become such an important part of my life that they are individually thanked in my acknowledgement page in Reckless Abandon for goodness sake. But our once blossoming blog exchange has fallen by the wayside for some people and it’s time for me to move on. Many of them already have so it’s time to face the truth.

There are friends who do update occasionally, I’ll see something new pop up a few times a year, and I want the 411 when they come back. But there are many friends who haven’t posted on their blog in six months (or more) and in an effort to reduce the overwhelming vibe in my brain I just can’t have those links floating out in space for no reason. I’ll completely understand if you all remove me from your linky-lists as well.

However, if you discover that you feel compelled to start blogging again someday please let me know! I always enjoyed reading your updates and would be very interested in continuing to do so. Otherwise we’ll probably just see each other on Facebook.

• • •

In other news I’m going through some freaky health shit right now. For a few months I’ve had this weird pain in my left abdomen which I wrote off as being part of my job because I sit all day and rarely exercised anymore. I started exercising and sometimes it would go away. We bought a new sofa and it seemed to improve.

But over the past month or so I’ve started to notice it again and then the past couple weeks I’ve been having issues with a somewhat weird form of lightheadedness. Well more like light body because I never feel like I’m going to pass out or get dizzy or anything.

That was the last straw though and I finally went to the doctor this week. Not a kidney stone (his first guess). Not central nervous system (his next guess). I’ve been eating okay, consistently, and drinking about 60 ounces of water a day (more if I work out). Working out is no issue, I don’t get weirdness. Standing or lying down is no issue. Mostly it comes and goes when I’m sitting.

He took blood and is supposed to get back to me in a few days. Last night I started obsessing over not knowing what is up with myself and I almost had a panic attack.

I’m wondering if its early onset menopause because I do get hot flashes and cold sweats sometimes. Insomnia started a year or so ago. I’ve always had social anxiety but it has increased in spades in recent months. I tend to cry at the thought of anything these days. In fact based on this list I have all but maybe four symptoms. I’m freaking out and it’s hard not to think about it. Saying that makes me think more. And then I get more anxious. And that depresses the crap out of me.

Guess I’ll find out soon. I really hope so because Dr. House isn’t real but if I’m being completely honest, I’m really afraid

.

Yeah, I’m Breaking the Rules

My self-imposed rules that is. What’s that you ask? Am I going out of the house shopping today or something? HELL NO!! Not those kinds of rules. I mean the part where I announced I wouldn’t be online or writing anything all weekend. Hey, it’s not my fault. My family was supposed to be my buffer and everyone is still passed out from family, food & festive fun yesterday.

When left alone in the house at 7:00 in the morning what the heck else am I supposed to do other than whip up a blog post and eat blue cheese mix on Ritz crackers and a slice of apple cranberry pie for breakfast? I mean Thanksgiving only comes once a year and those are my cheat foods.

But I digress (as usual) because this post isn’t about food…

There’s really only one reason I got online when I wasn’t supposed to and that’s to tell everybody that Reckless Abandon**, my Romantic Suspense novella released last month on Amazon, is free to download this whole weekend! Woo hoo!

The best ranking I’d reached up to now was about 48,000 in my top category. Which as far as I’m concerned for a relative nobody Author like me (at this moment) I was pretty stoked about that. When I woke up this morning I checked before I even started promoting the thing and HOLY CRAP!!!

Though ranking numbers change by the hour as of right now (8:00 AM in Phoenix) it’s at #7520 in the Free for Kindle store. But those numbers aren’t the ones I’m tripping out over. The part where I’m dropping my jaw in astonishment is where I’m #72 in the Women Sleuths category and #90 in Romantic Suspense.

Hang on and let me let that sink in a second…of the 5,453 books on Amazon Kindle store that are Romantic Suspense my little novella is at a ranking in the top 100 after only 8 hours on the free list.

Okay, my mind is officially blown! I need to do a little more digging around my Author tools to see just how many downloads it has gotten but I may not let myself do that until Sunday after it comes off the promo weekend.

I’m really, really proud of this book and to see it move up the ranks like that makes me overjoyed! Well that and it also makes me want to keep going. To write more, to continue on with this series, and to release a quality piece of fiction to accompany this effort.

If you’d like to check out the book you can see Reckless Abandon on Amazon Kindle store here. If you download the book and read it please let me know what you think! I’m an Indie Author and we live by reviews. Thanks in advance!

Hope you’re all having as wonderful a weekend as I am over here. SO MUCH to be thanks full for this year!

**Reckless Abandon - FREE download Friday - Sunday & you don't have to step foot inside a store

Not A Chance In Hell You Will Catch Me Shopping on Thanksgiving

This afternoon I was over visiting my friend Suldog’s blog. For the past seven or so years he’s been running a campaign on his blog and requesting that other bloggy friends take part. The premise is that Thanksgiving comes first. I don’t think I really need to explain the overall gist to any of you right? Check out the Facebook page for more info.

Each year I intend to join the fight in my own quest for normalcy during the busy holiday season but every year I read his plea before Halloween. To me all the holidays should have their own time. Halloween is one of my personal favorites, nothing to do with candy and perhaps someday I’ll share all the details why but today is not that day. Anyway, because I love Halloween I refuse to start talking about Thanksgiving until that day has come and gone. By the time that’s over I end up getting busy with other things and never fully support his cause.

This year is different. Because this year I’m livid.

If you go and read his blog post in the link I linked to above you’ll probably get the gist why. Don’t worry, I’ll wait.

See what I mean? What the hell gives Walmart, Kmart or Sears the right to dictate that their employees show up to work on one of the precious few days during the year the retail community gets to enjoy having a day off? Fuck that.

I started writing a long winded comment back to Jim because I come from a personal place of irritation over this matter. I’m a former assistant manager, employee, and manager of retail establishments. And let me tell you something right now, if I were still in that industry working in a mall somewhere and anyone tried to tell me I had to show up for work on Thanksgiving I’d probably pop a vein. And promptly close the gates in a very personal fuck you to the bullshit consumerist regime that was trying to force me to show up on a holiday of national significance.

Here’s what I planned to write out in the comments over on his blog

“Petition signed. That's the most outrageous and blatant attempt at power and control that I've ever seen in my life. The employees in that industry already have too much stress at the holidays can't they get one flipping day off? What sucks is that their jobs will probably be threatened if they choose not to work. Millions of people out of work will mean that someone will be willing to do it. Which as far as I’m concerned is total lunacy.

I was an assistant manager of a very successful retail store many years ago. My first Christmas as a manager in that store I was so busy (mind you this was YEARS before what's going on now) that I literally lived on coffee and cigarettes while working double shifts at least 3 days a week for the weeks between Black Friday and 2 weeks after New Year’s (don’t forget about holiday return season!). Generally I worked upwards of 75-80 hours a week covering for my manager who took so much time off to deal with her court troubles I was surprised she retained her job at all.

Luckily I was in my early 20's but it didn't matter. I dropped to about 89 pounds and could barely function. What happened at the end of the Christmas season? My car broke down on the way to work, I called in to say I needed a day off & it was approved. A week later my manager*** told my district manager I'd never called (even longer story) and I was fired for falsifying a time sheet weeks later. Of course this was after I worked a shift for her when another employee came in and stole money from the register that they tried to blame on me (which led directly into me requesting to watch the tape of me stealing money, which they didn’t have because I didn’t steal anything, and my manager telling the DM that I had to go - hence the timesheet instead). The time sheet thing couldn't be proven either way because back in those days we hand wrote everything.

I left retail then and there and never looked back. The way the things are going now I’m surprised every store isn’t open 24 hours a day 365 days a year.

You can bet I will NEVER shop on a day a retail employee should have the day off. Consumerism is out of control. Employees get no respect for their hard work and even less pay for being the thing that allegedly holds up the economy of the entire country.”

I don’t just support Jim’s stance on the fact that Thanksgiving – a day to celebrate all we have in our lives that isn’t material – comes before Christmas but now I’m just off the rails that Thanksgiving may not even be a recognized day of rest anymore.

Because let’s face it, if Walmart, et al, opens the rest of them will do the same so as not to lose out on the revenue.

When I was in retail we opened at 8:00 instead of 10:00 on Black Friday then stayed open 2 hours after usual closing time as well. I was already mystified by stores who felt forcing their employees to come to work for a 6:00 AM Black Friday opening was insane. Then the midnight openings started.

And now this?

I can assure any retail establishment out there if they open even one minute earlier – aka Thanksgiving – I will stop shopping there for good. And let me just tell you how my broke ass can appreciate Walmart’s prices. But if they can’t appreciate a holiday and the people who are employed by them then they can say goodbye to my business forever.

Please stop this insanity. Please stop supporting this insanity. And please have a happy Thanksgiving until the moment it’s over. Which is not 8:00 or 10:00 PM.

This information is very real. You can read the Chicago Tribune article here

You can tell Target what you think by signing the petition started by an employee. They’re shy only a few thousand signatures now so spread the word!

Find it on Jim's post.

***update: one of my readers brought to my attention the fact that bipolar and crazy may not be medically accurate since I couldn't diagnose my manager so let's just say this instead, she was

a two-faced lying bitch who used me for her own personal needs and as soon as those needs were met she threw me under the bus as fast as her bleached blonde head would allow her to, since my DM had noticed her absences and someone was getting fired (but she had the upper hand in communication with the DM so it certainly wasn't going to be her).

The Day After Today

Better known as tomorrow there sure will be things going on that are causing me a bit of panic. First and biggest news to talk about is the storm, Sandy, that’s currently only a couple hundred miles off the shore of the northeast United States. She’s huge, evil looking and apparently going to bring so much surge with her as she makes landfall that the southern coast of Connecticut and north shore of Long Island could see eleven foot swells.

For places that are already at sea level (or below like marshes) an eleven foot sea is going to be like a nor’eastern tsunami. To all my friends and family up and down the coast, but especially those in the northeast which looks to be the hardest hit, please take care of yourselves and your loved ones. Get to higher ground if you’re right on the water. And for those who do flood it will suck but its only stuff. The most important thing is that you are safe.

For those who do stay home but experience a healthy storm with all the fixin’s there’s a few things you can do:

1. Pull out the board games (Remember those? Some of us do.)

2. Charge your electronic devices & only use when necessary (This does not include playing Angry Birds all day because some Governors declared your day off before the storm even approached your area, be smart!)

3. Cook some meals in advance (Especially if you’re Ann.)

4. Fill your bathtub - in case of water issues you can use it to flush toilets or boil to drink if things get really bad (this one is serious)

5. Be safe with candles (And only burn books if you absolutely have to in order to survive.)

6. Pull out extra blankets in case the power goes out & it gets dark/cold (Which is totally different than it is most of the time in mid-fall in the northeast of course.)

7. Stay the heck off the roads, crews already have enough going on, they don't need to deal with stupid motorists (another serious request)

8. Change your name if it’s Sandy (Who wants to be called a bitch for the next few days, weeks, months?)

9. Build an ark and get the hell out of there (But watch out for those tall waves, we all know what happened to Marky Mark and Clooney. That was a disaster!)

I joke but this shit is serious people! The most serious of all of course is #2 above. I mean, if your device isn’t charged how on earth are you going to be able to download and read my brand spanking new novella, Reckless Abandon, when it comes out tomorrow?

(Nice segue huh? Like I’ve said a million times, I’m a shameless self-promoter. This means that, yes, I will use a hurricane to promote my work. Good thing you all love me.)

Reckless Abandon, my Romantic Suspense novella, is on my website for preview. I’ve posted a synopsis and a short excerpt. What do you think? I’m so very proud of this book and I’m panicking a teensy bit over it being released (all joking aside, the hurricane has nothing to do with it other than I feel Sandy took up residence in my head and is swirling around non-stop leading up to this release!). This is my first attempt self-publishing a suspense genre of any sort. The book is short, only 30,000 words, so you can read it in a couple hours.

Or during one day curled under a blanket on your sofa by the light of your fully charged electronic device while you ride out a hurricane. Just sayin’.

I’ll be posting the link to purchase over on my Writesy Blog as well as my website tomorrow once it goes live on Amazon for Kindle. My first eBook!

For those who pre-ordered my first title, Ripple the Twine, when I released it this past April be on the lookout for an email to arrive a little later today or first thing tomorrow morning. I have a surprise for all of you!

And in all seriousness, please family and friends, if you live in the northeast stay safe and check in somewhere as soon as this thing passes by – blog, FB, twitter, email, text, phone – because we’re all crossing our fingers that you stay warm and dry and that you kick Sandy’s ass!

Insert Sound of Chirping Crickets Here, Again

It’s the obvious question, ‘where the hell have you been?’ I’ve been working like a little maniac that’s where! Yesterday I uploaded my deposit, as it’s called, to the copyright.gov website so my novella, Reckless Abandon, is officially on its way to completion. And I’m thoroughly exhausted mentally and physically after getting this thing ready for release.

Driving back from a hike with a friend yesterday I told her that I’d been working on this since August 1, that it’s been slow and steady, and she said no way, rather that I pulled it together really fast. I started wondering – was it fast? Sure didn’t seem like it on this side of the fence.

Admittedly there were days tucked in there when I felt like a slacker who did a whole bunch of nothing but sit on my lazy ass and watch cheezy cable television. But for the most part I’ve been putting in ten hour days, on average six days a week, for the past twelve weeks to get this thing hammered out.

That’s a sixty hour work week for three months straight. 720 hours of needing to become multiple other personalities as I tell their story. A distinct lack of anything on my calendar other than ‘write & edit MS’. With the obvious exception of promoting my Blog Tour for Ripple the Twine back in August, a couple critique meetings editing 10 pages for 3 people, a few Writer’s meetings, my ten year anniversary, some happy hours with friends, trips (though not many) to Tucson to visit family, and starting up a workout program again. I’d say on average I write about 25-30,000 words a week between all of the above plus blogs & emails, etc. Um, uh-huh.

I’m fucking exhausted!

Can you blame me?

But two people have now told me how fast I pulled this novella together and it got me thinking. If I need 720 hours to complete a 30,000 word novella and worked like a normal person of 45 hours, 5 days a week, it would have taken me a full month more to complete the manuscript. And if I had an Agent/Publisher that’s about right for getting the book pulled together enough to send out (and have it ripped to shreds by their editor then sent back to be re-worked for production within the following two months).

The thing is, this is my job. I write full time. I don’t go leave my house to do other things during the day and I generally don’t fuck around. There’s a laptop or keyboard attached to my person all 720 of those hours. I have a career and this is it. So I dedicate myself to it all the way.

To do this job full time without making more than $4 a month in royalties is a mental siege, believe me. I struggle every day with wondering if I’m doing the right thing. If I should be out there in the trenches. Workin’ for the weekend. Workin’ for the piece of paper everyone else gets on a Friday afternoon that says here’s what you’re worth for the hours you put in. The validation that what you’re doing is worth something through financial gain. I admit, there are times I miss that.

But does it make me more valid to have a job that has a guaranteed number of hours with a guaranteed commute and a guaranteed paycheck? Does it matter that people don’t understand that I do work? That I work hard. Every day. Because see the real trick is dedicating myself to doing it. That’s where the real work comes in.

Most people would have trouble working the way I do - from home with no boss, no schedule, no set plan of what they’re supposed to do every day. Most people need the routine. And don’t get me wrong, “some money would be nice” but above and beyond that, this job feeds my soul. And not too many people can say that. I hate even admitting it out loud but I know for a fact my husband can’t say it about what he does for a living. But he has graciously given me the flexibility to do this job full time by going to a job he’s flipping amazing at but has no personal connection to doing other than the number of years he’s been doing it. And he does it partly to allow me to work my career with no promise, no guarantee that it will ever produce financial gain. And I couldn’t begin to thank him enough for that gift.

But of course we’re both secretly (okay, not so secretly) hoping that I will become the bread and butter maker in this household. I’d love to make more money than he does. He’d also love me to make more money than he does. And it isn’t exactly like we’re rolling in the dough over here. Quite to the contrary there are more times than not when our budget doesn’t allow for us to do the things we want to do.

Knowing that if I was making a paycheck we’d be able to do them, but that if I was making a paycheck I wouldn’t be writing books, is a constant battle I have to rise above in my mind. Because if I let that spin I’d go insane. Not to say it hasn’t happened. At least twice a year I have a nervous breakdown over what I’m doing. That conversation tends to go like this:

“At least when I was running Chucka Stone I was making some semi steady income.”

“Yeah and your writing took a back seat.”

“I know but…”

“But nothing. Shut your pie hole and keep writing damn it.”

And that’s not the conversation I have with Matt (though those usually end in a similar fashion) this is the one I have with myself. Yeah writers do tend to not only talk to but answer themselves. We have too many characters floating around in that brain of ours not to.

Anyway.

One of my very favorite Authors, Jen Lancaster, came to read in Phoenix recently and announced that she’s on a two book per year schedule. It isn’t unheard of in the industry these days. In fact I imagine the ability and dedication to pumping out two books a year keeps you pretty active on the internet. And we all know the internet is the way to market these days right? Wait, it is, isn’t it? Because I keep hearing these rumors…

I’m doing NaNo in November so this week I’m using to my advantage in catching up with some people, blogs, guest posts and completing the formatting of Reckless Abandon for Amazon. It probably sounds like a lot but to me, well let’s just say I’m looking forward to what will surely be a slow week in comparison to the usual.

Apparently I Must Have Vision

Because about 3 days after I wrote my post called If The Voice Existed for Writers what would we call it? I discovered that a brand new contest akin to The Voice (or American Idol as the case may be) is on, and geared toward Writers of fiction.

How much more can fate intervene before I finally take it seriously? A real reality contest for Writers? I mean, I have a story within the word requirements (2500-5000) that’s fiction. I’m ready to rock and roll! Holy crap, sign me up!

Well…hold on just a second Miss Quick-on-the-Draw; maybe read the rules first?

So I did. And here’s something I’m not very sure about:

“…You also grant us the right to edit the formatting and display of your Entry, and to create literary or any other types of effects in respect to your Entry without compensation or approval…”

 

Formatting and display edits I can certainly understand. The entries should all have similar structure and style in order to remain vanilla enough for the voting public to not adopt any sort of bias toward one story or another. But that bit about creating literary effects without approval? Yeah, what does that even mean?

Literary by definition means: pertaining to or of the nature of books and writings, especially those classed as literature

Now perhaps I’m just being paranoid here but to me this reads like the content could be altered without my prior approval. That’s not okay. Anyone in law care to weigh in on this?

I kept reading and couldn’t seem to find the words ‘Author will retain all rights to their work’ anywhere in the first three-quarters of the lengthy rules. Another thing that’s a bit unsettling to say the least. But I kept reading anyway. And then I came across this:

“13. GOVERNING LAW/DISPUTES. This Contest is governed by the laws of Curaçao. As a condition of participating in this Contest, you agree, to the extent permitted by law, that any and all disputes which cannot be resolved between the parties, and causes of action arising out of or in connection with this Contest, will be resolved individually, without resort to any form of class action, exclusively before a court located in Curaçao.”

 

Wait, what? Curaçao? Where the hell is that?

So I did a little digging and it turns out it is an island located off the coast of Venezuela and is a Netherland/Dutch nation. And Hofstra Law School has an entire course dedicated to the study of International Law in this nation.

Impressive. But equally unsettling.

I’m not entirely sure how comfortable I am entering a contest where the governing law over the subsequent use of my intellectual property is located in International waters. I would have a leg to stand on if the contest originated out of the United States because that’s where I’m from and where my copyright is held. But I know nothing about anything related to the laws in Curaçao and frankly I don’t want to have to earn a degree from Hofstra just to find out if I’d be protected should someone steal my work and make millions of dollars or defame my name, etc.

It does make me a little sad because I felt as if I almost dreamed this contest into life after pretty much asking for it to be hand delivered to my door. But you know how they say to be careful what you wish for? I never understood just why you should protect yourself from those wishes or why it's important to clarify the specifics of the wish in question until this very moment.

Hopefully this shows I’m smarter than I look and not that I blew a golden opportunity at fame and fortune ($5000 grand prize). But like I always say, I live with no regrets so unless my lawyer type friends weigh in and tell me I shouldn’t be afraid, I think this is one contest I’m letting pass by after all.

Broken Thought Thursday

Been a while since I’ve put one of these little Broken Thought Process gems together. Hold onto something and prepare for the barrage of random topics about to hit you like a heat wave in Phoenix in August. Wait…never mind.

Hockey

Even the very mention of this tiny six letter word makes me sad right now because a ten letter word has stomped on it and kicked it to the side with blatant disregard for the little guy who suffers due to the inactivity. That ten letter word is management. Sort of.

Failing to agree that the players are right…cough, I mean, um…move at all on the talks over player's split means that all games up to the end of September are now cancelled. That’s pretty much all of preseason.

And with players like Seguin and Crosby hauling-ass over to Europe somewhere, it’s not all that encouraging that we’ll see the guys back on US soil, er, ice, anytime soon.

At least Dish got their heads out of their butts and didn’t charge us for the Center Ice package (like they said they were going to do regardless) so that’s great but Dish Network isn’t the one who suffers. The people who suffer are the ones no one thinks about.

A dude sells you a pretzel. That person has a job that helps pay their bills and they’re probably making minimum wage. Now maybe they work every event the arena sponsors so they have full time work. Knockout 3 games a week and Peter Pretzel Guy just went to part time. And he probably lost his benefits in the process.

It isn’t just Peter – Jack the Janitor, Zelda the Zamboni driver, the Ice Girls, mascot, security guards, ticket takers – EVERYone suffers from a loss of revenue. And for what? A measly 10-ish percent of the revenue split? Please.

For teams like the Coyotes a lockout could be the difference between sticking around or leaving the desert. They just started to build fan momentum, don’t kill that now. Not to mention I don't have the benefit of other levels of hockey anywhere nearby other than the ASU Sundevils (season opener is tonight at Oceanside Ice Arena in Tempe, game starts at 8:30 and is against Texas A&M).

And while college hockey is nice (because it is hockey after all) I didn't go to ASU so I can't really get behind supporting them. Not to mention my sister would probably kick my ass for not rooting for the UofA Wildcats (who open their season tomorrow night against NAU up in Flagstaff).

There's no minor league team in Phoenix, the Sundogs moved to Prescott. So what's a fan to do but hope these NHL big-wigs can get it together sooner rather than later?

Health

Despite the fact that I want to be lazy I’m doing pretty good about sticking to a 3-4 day a week workout routine. I do what I feel like doing with no pressure. Some weeks I might do nothing but yoga, others straight up cardio and sometimes it’s a mix of the two. But I’m feeling better and even though it’s only been about a month I’ve lost around 4 pounds. Baby steps but I’ll take it.

Work

I think most of you know that I abandoned my second manuscript about the divorced 40 something who experienced more dating disasters than any one person should ever have to go through. When I shelved it I did so because I had an itch to write something with more punch, something adventurous.

So I did. I just finished the first draft of my very first Romantic Adventure. Think Romancing the Stone as an example of what I mean. But my story is nothing like that one; they’re just in the same basic genre.

The first draft was completed at the beginning of September, edits just wrapped last week. And now I’m supposed to be doing re-writes but I can’t seem to get myself to sit and work on it. But it has nothing to do with a lack of motivation or disinterest in the story. My issue is that I think I need to stop working from home.

I spend countless hours by myself clicking away on a keyboard or scribbling furiously with my red pen but this time around I think I need to inject the pace of the world into the book.

My main character is a Writer, a novelist, and a pretty successful one at that. She’s not the type to sit all day long inside writing without any other human contact. I need to find a place I like and start going there a few times a week to work on completing this novella. Because in the late fall I’m going to have to start working on the next MS – the first full-length book in the series about this character.

Oh and I’ve changed the title of the novella. Work In Progress sounded too youthful and not adventurous enough a title. Now I do admit it’s still “me” in that there won’t be too much blood or guts and you know it’s going to have a mostly upbeat ending too. But the title wasn’t working for me at all.

I hope to reveal the actual title within the next few weeks along with the cover art.

My goal was to get this out in October as an eBook with print copies available for purchase online but it looks like it might be sometime in November. Oh well, I don’t have an Agent yet so it is what it is. That’s the beauty of being a self-pub, you get to renig on deadlines that weren’t there in the first place. I guess you could say it’s the plus/minus of my work.

Now why did I have to go and say plus/minus?

I miss you already hockey…

“As Soon as I Settle I Bet I’ll Be Able to Move On”

It probably will come as no shock to anyone who knows me to hear that I’m feeling restless right now. I just bought a house and started my career so of course I’m ready to get a move on and go try my hand at something new. But in the spirit of truth, that’s not even the issue this time. That’s not the real thing I’m struggling with in my head.

The real issue is that I know, this time, I’m not going to change a damn thing. I know that I’ve found a place I can be happy for a long while, as well as a career that I actually enjoy, for the first time in my life. Under former circumstances I’d be ready to bail right about this point because I’d have started to get bored. Disinterested with the predictable nature of everyday life.

When I get to the moment where I’ve taken it all in, absorbed as much as I can from the job/place/lesson at hand, I start feeling antsy. Anxious. Skittish. Ready to flee at a moment’s notice.

But not this time.

The feeling is a leftover; its cold and moldy like that last piece of meatloaf you forgot about, shoved to the back of the fridge. It used to be trapped somewhere in the back of my head convincing me I should stay the scared little girl who never accomplishes anything because she isn’t really worth enough to try. Broke, only moderately attractive, no big show-and-tell story to share with the drama-obsessed world. Kind of a middle of the road nobody if I’m being honest.

I was the one who didn’t finish college and never had a “real” job. The self-proclaimed slacker, lazy, procrastinator type who never seems to get what she wants because she’s too fucking scared to tell anyone what that is.

Always living in fear that I might get exactly what I want out of life if I just pursue it with reckless abandon because then where would I be? I’ve been “chasing the dream” for so long maybe I felt I couldn’t function without a dream. Maybe I felt if I got it then I wouldn’t have a need to continue on. There wouldn’t be any more dreams.

But of course we all know that’s complete bullshit.

So then why am I antsy if I’m comfortable with the discomfort of setting down some roots in these areas of my life?

Because it’s a new feeling. The feeling of knowing I could go back on my heels and haul-ass out of this whole writing life but wanting to stick it out is uncomfortable because of the newness. I’ve never done it before.

After close to forty years of programming myself to believe that I have to keep moving forward – where “forward” used to describe moving on – I’m not entirely sure how to handle moving forward while remaining satisfied with what I’m doing.

Scary? You bet. Necessary? More than I could explain.

The best advice would be to just keep doing it, of course. So I am. Every single day.

Instead of going out and starting in another dead-end job situation, or moving again, I’m doing other things to keep that freshness. Entering writing contests, getting up and speaking at my writer’s group, connecting with new people, giving interviews, asking people to review my book after they’ve read it. Essentially, going after what I want. Boom.

But most of all – asking for what I want, knowing that I deserve to have it, and then going out and getting it. Because life’s too short to stop talking altogether because I sit around worrying if I offended someone with something I said once. It’s too short to sit back and constantly observe what others are doing while never doing anything of any substance myself.

Life’s too short not to make it exactly what I want it to be.

I mean, hell, everyone else is doing it and they don’t give a damn if I approve so I think it’s high time to start living for me. Fuck em if they can’t appreciate that.

I owe it to Indie Authors everywhere to kick ass and take names (of Agents preferably, though with all these adverbs…). I owe it to Matt to do my best to get this thing off the ground after so much support these past couple years.

Most of all I owe it to myself because this twenty-five year dream got clouded with the needs and desires of everyone else coming before my own somewhere along the way. But this is my life and it’s time to clear that fog. Time to open my eyes and see my own life path. Time to take it.

Title of this post is a quote from a Fiona Apple lyric in “The Way things Are”

If The Voice Existed for Writers what would we call it?

My husband and I are big television fans. I don’t really care what they say about it being an awful medium. That it’s dumb and watching too much of it is the sign of a lazy person, or whatever because I try not to listen to “they” most of the time if you know what I mean.

I think you do.

With our love for television we’re bound to have at least one or two reality shows on the list. “Don’t judge me monkey”, I’m not going to apologize for enjoying them. And I do enjoy them with limited commercial interruptions due to the beauty of DVR.

Guilty pleasures abound from Project Runway (Are you serious, you idiots got rid of Gunner? Ugh. I hope all the judges are wearing flowers next week in honor of the boring as hell one trick pony they held onto instead of the guy who actually seemed to want to be there. Whatevs.) to America’s Got Talent (However, yeah, Sharon, it’s our last show too because really “America”? You gave the $1,000,000 to flipping dogs over Tom Cotter – the most hilarious comic I’ve seen to grace a stage since Carlin. You just robbed that guy of what he was rightfully due. Consider yourself Idoled AGT - two fewer viewers next season.) Bath Crashers, Biggest Loser and the list goes on and on.

But the thing about those shows that draws me in isn’t the drama or backstabbing, what I love about them are the final products we get to see. Rooms that delight all the senses, models in the making, everyday dudes who develop into superstars, people who transform their entire lives starting with losing weight, the coolest couture, and comics that I now plan to internet stalk until he’s in my area and I can see the guy live. Yeah I’m lookin’ at you Cotter. Freaking robbed I tell ya.

But I digress…

My real question and/or point in all of this is that just about anything and everything has a reality show these days – clothes, voices, odd-balls, roller derby – but there’s nothing for Writers. WTF? How is that fair? Even actors get shows just for existing as an Actor. I’m lookin’ at you Matt LeBlanc. So where’s reality for Writers?

It could have a kick ass tag line like “Will she love him or kill him?” and feature newbies, Indies, seasoned pros or whoever else wants to guest star to whip up controversy. We’d get a quick and easy theme song like the one The Voice has – “This is The Voice!” – but with a twist tailored specifically to us – “This is the Prose!”

Perfect!

Yeah, yeah I know.

Truth is that the concept is pretty silly. I mean who wants to sit around watching a bunch of Writers click away on their keyboard in silence? Doesn’t exactly make for compelling television I guess.

At least on a show like Project Runway the designers can stand around chatting with each other while they sew or fit their garments. The drama builds through scenes when designers are chatting. But have you ever tried to have a conversation and write at the same time? Not easy.

So I guess Writers will need to continue to apply the tried and true method for instant fame after all – work your ass off for years and possibly still never become a household name or twitter hash tag.

Because, really? Instant fame? Pfft. Writers know what everyone on reality television knows. There is no such thing as overnight success regardless if you make it to television or not. Winning it all comes from decades of hard work and dedication to perfecting what you do.

Just ask Tom Cotter.

Because as far as I’m concerned, he won.

Bostonese for the Tourist

Sure I may live in the middle of nowhere now (yes that’s a joke) but at one time, for many years of my life, I grew in the city of Boston. We don’t get the distinction of being called “The City” as any New Yorker knows, but as any Townie knows, we’re “The” Town.

We’re so much “The” Town that we still call it Town if we grew up with Grandparents who were first generation.

No, Ma (Nomar!) I’m goin’ inta’ Town. Get Bobby ta help ya.

They’re a dying breed as more and more people flood The Town as newbies every year. And who could blame them? I mean, talk about per capita number of insanely great schools. But only the wicked hardy folk can make it through a wintah in Winter Hill if ya know what I mean. Yeah, I mean the literal season of winter. That shit is rough.

We’re the ones with the accent. I mean, too many famous people live in New York so there’s really no accent anymore. Right? I really have no clue if that’s true at all because I don’t live there now, nor have I ever lived there. Not to mention, nor do I ever plan to. Ugh, shudder, no. Way too much ‘overwhelming-ness of everything’ in Manhattan for me to handle. Even Boston was too much at times.

So last summer I guess you could say I put that “whole town in my reAH view” when Matt and I moved to Phoenix.

Yeah, I like metro Phoenix. You get all of the New York food, attitude, nightlife, fashion, sports (though the Coyotes are much more Boston in the loyalty style of the fan base and YES there is a fan base for hockey in the desert). But you don’t have to deal with any of the drama of the subways, smell of trash wafting to the sky, honking/ambulance sirens at all times, number of people crammed together in such a small space.

But not too many people came here from Boston. At least not that I’ve found just yet. I guess all us Irish think the sun will melt us or something. Well I haven’t fallen into a puddle of goo yet. Plus, I know it might be a big secret we transplant types aren’t supposed to reveal but my skin has never looked better and I’ve never felt healthier since I’ve lived here. Especially mentally. We get sky here. And sunshine. And just like the northeast we have 3 months of really extreme weather.

Only difference is we need cooling as opposed to heat. And the good news there is that cooling is way cheaper to pay for than heat. Plus there are pools to cool off in. Plus, there are lakes to cool off in too. And mountains. And the coast is only three hours away if you go to Mexico.

So anyway, because I’m one of very few Boston newbies in Phoenix of course I’m going to tell everyone how wicked pissa The Town is right? Because I want them to go and check it out if they haven’t already. See the sights, meet the Townies, eat the food, get a hug from Gramma on the way out the door. Oh & honey, grab her a beer on the way past the fridge before you go, would ya’?

You’re a doll.

Are You 55 or Wiser?

About three months ago I decided to stop coloring my hair. I also started growing it out. There were quite a few reasons for both decisions. First, I was somewhat tired of putting the chemicals on my person. Also, it seemed like a waste of never ending money going down the literal drain. As far as growing it out, well, that is more for personal comfort than anything else. If I want to have it off my neck I’ll be able to pull it back but the option of leaving it down is also appealing. With a chin length bob it’ll still be short but easier to do stuff with.

I drink copious gallons of water every week living in the desert and let me tell you, the hydration is great for my hair even if there are way more grays than I’d like to see sprouting out at age thirty-nine. The water here is hard though so I’ve had to adjust to a more scalp friendly conditioner. That’s okay, I like the apple smell and my hair feels soft.

This morning I went out and got myself a haircut. I told her that I was looking to grow it out to one length and she was fantastic with listening. She did a stack cut in the back to make it look kind of cute and hip. With longer bits in the front on the sides the cut kind of has a youthful edge and I love it. Just getting those mullet-esque pieces off my neck alone made me look lighter, fresher.

With my monthly Scottsdale Society of Women Writers meeting coming up tomorrow night I was looking forward to showing off my new cut but the clothing in my closet is somewhat lacking. I only have a couple dresses that fit me right. And most of my business type outfits are geared toward cooler weather. So after I came home and showered off the hair, I decided to peruse the selection at my local Goodwill Store and see if there might be something cute I could wear to the meeting.

Goodwill is one of my favorite stores to thrift shop in because I never fail to find something brand new, tags still on, that costs half the price (or less) of what it did in the original store it came from. Today was no exception only instead of one item I found two dresses, one pair of shorts, and two tops to match. One dress will be perfect at the meeting. It’s summery white linen with yellow, green and blue flowers dotting the fabric. The dress is soft and feminine and it looks pretty on me which I tend to struggle with most of the time.

While I was pawing through the tops one of my favorite old school club days songs came on. Pick on me if you like but “Dancing Queen” never failed to get me on the floor. Its slower and always a good one at weddings or to get all the girls together to shake some booty. Hey don’t judge me, I was clubbing eighteen years ago. And plus it wasn’t like I was in the clubs when the song first came out or anything.

Anyway, as soon as the familiar intro began I smiled. The song takes me back to specific days in the past; days I’m happy to leave in the past but still great times in my life. I flipped through a handful of tops that would have made an appearance at said clubs back in the day. Clothes I know I have no business wearing anymore. With those tops still on the rack I continued on.

I spent about an hour in the store trying things on and when I was done I headed for the open register. There was a taller kid, I’d guess about eighteen, working the register. I felt the irony that his mom was probably pushing him out into the world as I was applying mascara that would inevitably make its way halfway down my face before the night was over. We exchanged the usual pleasantries:

“Hi how are you today ma’am?”

“I’m fantastic thanks, how are you?”

“I’d be better if I got more than one hour of sleep last night.”

“Oh bummer.”

“Yeah, up ‘til about three in the morning.”

“Wow, I’m usually asleep for five hours by three in the morning.” I said and smiled.

I let the ma’am slide because in reality I could be this kid’s mother so it didn’t really bother me. Plus I always think it’s more polite than calling me lady or miss. I glanced down at the counter and started reading. There’s a charity donation going on and when he asked me the next thing I thought that’s what he was referring to so I said no thanks. He continued to stare at me for a second so I asked ‘wait, what?’ and he repeated:

“Are you fifty-five or wiser?”

I literally blinked for a full second and stared at the kid. Now don’t get me wrong, I know maybe I look more my age these days with the sporadic gray hairs and couple extra pounds around the mid-section but for goodness sake I’m not sitting home waiting for my AARP card or anything. Like I said, I could be the kid’s mother. Not his grandmother.

“Um, no.”

He proceeded to ring up my purchase, I paid him and thanked him then headed out to the car.  As I pulled away all I could think was that maybe it’s time to look into henna. And go dancing.