The Best Laid (Up) Plans

Never fails right? Career plans get made, actions are being taken, things start looking like they could shift for the better financially and then boom! Some random health symptoms that even Doctor House can't explain move in just in time to fuck it all up. Thanks body, that was so very nice of you. Jackwagon.

Guess I'm at the anger stage now.

I know that its possible I was moving too quickly, doing too much for my own good and I needed to slow down. And its pretty likely this had to happen to ensure that I took a breather. I get that. But breather taken, its so time to get back to my life again. I miss being able to work for more than 3 hours a day without feeling lightheaded and I miss the time when I could drink coffee or a beer without my body staging a revolution.

No coffee in well over a week, no booze since about 5 days ago and I'm down to 2 cigarettes a day. Sounds great but I still feel like crap so what's the point of quitting or cutting back at all? I'm hardly scared anymore so much as just totally over it. I want an answer last week. I want this fixed so I can get back to my life. I want to work. I miss my friends. I miss being comfortable behind the wheel, going shopping, eating, drinking & being merry in public. I miss doing anything besides laying on my couch, drinking water and pretty much only getting up to pee.

Last week I had an appointment with a Cardiologist my PCP referred me to as a precautionary measure. He was the world's biggest asshole with such a lack of compassion that a handful of Facebook friends suggested I send a letter describing as much. He scheduled me for an artery ultrasound & echo cardiogram but couldn't have been too concerned because the soonest they could get me in was the 28th. Terrific. I guess it's not my heart. Or at least there's a very strong chance it isn't. I don't really know because I can't seem to get a straight answer from anyone because no one has a clue what's going on and the circle of referrals continues.

Next we move onto girlie doctors. If that isn't it I'm going to find a Chiropractor, massage therapist and likely an Accupuncturist as well because if Western medicine can't figure me out I might as well start heading East. I'm just going to need someone else to drive me there.

Doctor's Orders

When I was in sixth grade my mom invited my aunt over for dinner one night. My sister and I were helping out with the cooking and I thought it would be nice to have some fancy French cut green beans instead of the boring round kind. After a few beans were successfully halved, the next thing I cut was a big old slice through my thumb.

The cut was so severe we ended up skipping dinner for the emergency room. One full surgery to repair my thumb's tendon and an overnight stay later I was wearing a cast on my left hand. The doctor was emphatic about keeping my hand still to make sure it would heal correctly. About three or four weeks in the cast cracked at the bottom of my thumb and I was thrilled to have some motion back. Eventually the cast was replaced but the same result ensued a short time later.

When we went in for the final removal the doctor assured my mom I'd need physical therapy to regain the mobility of my all important digit. The cast came off and he measured my flexibility. I swear he ran his little silver tool back and forth between my good and bad thumb three times because he couldn't believe what he was seeing. I was just shy of 100% mobility. No PT needed.  Apparently I'd moved just enough to make my thumb heal on its own.

But that was then. I was eleven years old, young, spry and stubborn. Now I'm thirty-nine, hopefully wiser and certainly more cautious. So when I finally heard back from my doctor about what might or might not be going on with my body, and his instructions were to limit my activity until all this is under control, this time I'm listening.

The bloodwork came back and nothing major presented. That was the first sigh of relief. Nothing bad with liver, kidney, not anemia, not cancer. Psychologically that was all a huge weight lifted. Physically however just hearing that news didn't solve my lightheadedness.

Instead of dinner, this time I'm skipping going to Vegas to see my friends renew their vows in the middle of a marathon they've both been training for over the past many months. Does this make me sad? So sad I actually sat sobbing when I sent the message to my friend after cancelling our hotel. But there are some things I just won't fuck with and woozy feelings that have no definitive answers while I'm over 300 miles from home is way up on that list.

Over the weekend I'll be experimenting with some suggestions from the doc and his PA. First is to start taking sodium tablets. When we reduced salt to almost nil with Matt's HBP diet shift it's possible my body went "um, wtf!?" My doc also thinks I might be a low blood sugar candidate which wouldn't be a surprise as it runs in the family. Additionally I'm going on a multi vitamin in case of deficency and amping my water intake to a little over sixty ounces a day.

It is driving me crazy just laying around all day. I miss working but I don't want to do too much. Which of course is stressing me out but until I know what is causing my lightheadedness I'm not taking chances. The good news is that this time my thumbs are at 100% capacity so I can blog on my phone while I lie on the sofa.

At least its something because watching re-runs of 90210 was only fun the first day.

Getting Rid of Clutter and Other News

Yesterday I wrote a big long post over at my website about getting organized so I can start making money as a freelancer. The post is pretty complete and I’m not going to rehash all of the details I included over there because if you really want to know about it then you can go read that one. I’ll wait…

Now that I started the process I’m finding a LOT of stuff that has been taking up mental, emotional, and physical space in my online world that really has to go. Files I haven’t opened in years, documents with print screen shots from paying bills in 2009 (yeah, seriously), websites that aren’t even operable anymore clogging up my favorites – all things I’m working on deleting. And I hate to say it but many blog links are going to be deleted from my sidebar as well.

The reason I hate to say it is because many of these blogs are written by friends. People I love, people who have become such an important part of my life that they are individually thanked in my acknowledgement page in Reckless Abandon for goodness sake. But our once blossoming blog exchange has fallen by the wayside for some people and it’s time for me to move on. Many of them already have so it’s time to face the truth.

There are friends who do update occasionally, I’ll see something new pop up a few times a year, and I want the 411 when they come back. But there are many friends who haven’t posted on their blog in six months (or more) and in an effort to reduce the overwhelming vibe in my brain I just can’t have those links floating out in space for no reason. I’ll completely understand if you all remove me from your linky-lists as well.

However, if you discover that you feel compelled to start blogging again someday please let me know! I always enjoyed reading your updates and would be very interested in continuing to do so. Otherwise we’ll probably just see each other on Facebook.

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In other news I’m going through some freaky health shit right now. For a few months I’ve had this weird pain in my left abdomen which I wrote off as being part of my job because I sit all day and rarely exercised anymore. I started exercising and sometimes it would go away. We bought a new sofa and it seemed to improve.

But over the past month or so I’ve started to notice it again and then the past couple weeks I’ve been having issues with a somewhat weird form of lightheadedness. Well more like light body because I never feel like I’m going to pass out or get dizzy or anything.

That was the last straw though and I finally went to the doctor this week. Not a kidney stone (his first guess). Not central nervous system (his next guess). I’ve been eating okay, consistently, and drinking about 60 ounces of water a day (more if I work out). Working out is no issue, I don’t get weirdness. Standing or lying down is no issue. Mostly it comes and goes when I’m sitting.

He took blood and is supposed to get back to me in a few days. Last night I started obsessing over not knowing what is up with myself and I almost had a panic attack.

I’m wondering if its early onset menopause because I do get hot flashes and cold sweats sometimes. Insomnia started a year or so ago. I’ve always had social anxiety but it has increased in spades in recent months. I tend to cry at the thought of anything these days. In fact based on this list I have all but maybe four symptoms. I’m freaking out and it’s hard not to think about it. Saying that makes me think more. And then I get more anxious. And that depresses the crap out of me.

Guess I’ll find out soon. I really hope so because Dr. House isn’t real but if I’m being completely honest, I’m really afraid

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