Reflected Projections

I sit here at my desk and begin to wonder when I let go of myself. When was it that I allowed myself to focus solely on what another person wanted me to fit into? What kind of life would I have led if I could determine the turning point, the moment in time where I let it all go, and go back to make the opposite choice? Would I be married, own a house, have a car, be in love? Would I be alone, party like a rock star, feel trapped inside freedom? I have no knowledge of what would have happened because life is not a Choose Your Own Adventure where I make a selection and move forward with the story, but just in case I get to peek at the other pages to see if it would have turned out any better, or even just different.

The thing about those books was that the ending, the actual ending of the story, pretty much always turned out exactly the same no matter what path we all chose in the middle. Kind of like life I guess. We are born and we die and everything in between is just a series of turning pages. As is typical, I almost get a glimpse of it but in the end push it away because it is fruitless to try. Just like I feel about everyone else, I will never really let myself change.

As babies, children, teenagers, and sometimes even into early adulthood, other people determine the path. We clearly can not feed ourselves or change our own diapers at infancy and as we grow into teenagers and begin to explore our worlds the people who are closest to us want us to be protected so they establish rules and restrictions on what we are allowed to do. We take this at face value sometimes and the longer we allow another person to make those choices for us the more natural it seems that this would continue all the days of our life. That another person would just continue to coddle us, to “raise” us, and of course to make all the decisions seems like it would be the obvious path.

The fantastic thing about letting someone else run everything, make all the choices and determine the journey that we take, is that we are never to blame if something should go terribly wrong. There is always a scape goat to pin the problem on because we were never the one to make the decision in the first place, it was always someone else. It really is simultaneously liberating but stifling to realize it is not possible to ever be wrong because I never make my own choices. A blessing and a curse to be sure.

I can easily sit around and talk about everyone else and all the bad decisions they make because I am in the perfect place to judge; remember, I have never made a wrong choice in my entire life! Of course, I am somewhat conflicted because, again, I have not made any choices at all. I am not sure how much I like that and I am starting to wonder if I am just a sheep following a shepherd blindly to the edge of a great precipice. For the first time in all of my years on this Earth I am slowly starting to question everything I have grown to believe is right, everything I have been told (in a manner of speaking) to think and feel but at the same time I wonder if it would actually be possible to transform.

Since I have slowly been convinced to change but did not fully realize it was happening to me all this time, what could I possibly do to go back to my own train of thought? Did I ever have one to begin with?

I guess the bottom line is that I have grown accustomed to whom and what I am, to how I live my life and to my daily surrender so whether the answer to that question is yes or no is really of no concern because as we all know, I will personally choose to do nothing about it either way.

Here It Comes Again. Sigh.

Last year at this time we were living in a little beach cottage in Humarock, marveling at the fact that it snowed there in early December. This year we are living in a little apartment, still in Massachusetts but a bit further inland, and yet I am somehow still marveling at the fact that winter is officially here as the snow began to fall this morning just before I woke up. Denial. It is a happy place. At least in my head because I can wear flip flops and tank tops all year long.

Every year I try, really and truly I do, to embrace something about winter. I make my best effort to psych myself up to the fact that as long as I have some fluffy socks, sweat pants, long johns, a wool hat, scarf, heavy jacket, gloves and earmuffs that I will be able to make it through. Sadly though each year, I am reminded that it is still mother-effing cold as the tears I shed instantly turn to icicles on the only two inches of exposed skin I can bring myself to reveal. They do not call us “hearty” in the north east for nothing. And it has barely even begun yet. Surely this is the year that I will perish (read: I am a drama queen when it is cold out).

Geographically speaking we have not gone far but in many other areas of life things have changed a lot in this past year for Matt and I, as well as life milestones for a lot of people we know like the birth of babies or graduating from college. All in all 2008 was a very jam packed year and we are still living it up for the last few weeks of what is left on the calendar. Because we have decided that it is important to drag our sorry cold butts out of the house even in winter, last night we had the distinct pleasure of going to listen to the North Reading Chorale perform at their annual Holiday Concert. It was just what we both needed to get into the spirit of the holidays and one of the best times we have had in a long time.

My Mom’s friend is in the Chorale so really we were going to see her but what a pleasant surprise it was to hear the thirty seven members (including her) belt it out in perfect unison while accompanied by three flute players, a guitarist, three percussionists, a trumpet player and four bell ringers. They were, in a word, amazing. The concert went off without a single hitch and they performed classics like White Christmas, Adeste Fideles, Silent Night and All I Want for Christmas Is You. But then the song of all songs came second to last and I wished I had recorded it.

The name of the song is The Twelve Days After Christmas and thinking back on the lyrics of this hilarious song might just save me from one more day of frigid peril. Well, this and the onslaught of yummy food available at this time of year.

The first day after Christmas, my true love and I had a fight

And so I chopped the pear tree down and burned it just for spite

Then with a single cartridge, I shot that blasted partridge

My true love, my true love, my true love gave to me

The second day after Christmas, I pulled on the old rubber gloves

And very gently wrung the necks of both the turtle doves

My true love, my true love, my true love gave to me

The third day after Christmas, my Mother caught the croup

I had to use the three French Hens to make some chicken soup

The four calling birds were a big mistake for their language was obscene

The five golden rings were completely fake and they turned my fingers green

The sixth day after Christmas, the six laying geese wouldn't lay

I gave the whole darn gaggle to the A.S.P.C.A

On the seventh day, what a mess I found

All seven of the swimming swans had drowned

My true love, my true love, my true love gave to me

The eighth day after Christmas, before they could suspect

I bundled up the eight maids a milking, nine pipers piping, ten ladies dancing, eleven lords a leaping, twelve drummers drumming (Spoken: "Well, actually, I kept ONE of the drummers" ) and sent them back collect

I wrote my true love,

"We are through, love!"

And I said in so many words,

"Furthermore your Christmas gifts were for the birds!"

Today will be a fun day of watching the snow fall and football while cooking soup, sauce, lasagna and chicken stir fry. I think I will stay away from that French hen soup though.

My Nose Says Holidays But It Feels Like Spring

There is a saying in New England that if you don’t like the weather, wait five minutes and it will change (Bridgete just pointed this phenomenon out while her dad was in town). Yesterday I went to get the mail mid day and heard sleet pinging off the front of the building. By the time I had gotten back upstairs the sleet had stopped and big fat snow flakes were falling from the sky. Last night it was raining pretty steadily and mid thirties; the sun is starting to break through right now and temperatures are beginning to climb into the upper fifties.

On Thanksgiving there was sunshine but it was fairly chilly where we spent the day and for the first time in a long time I let go of a lot of old traditions associated with this holiday. There were times throughout the day that it seemed odd to me as I chatted it up with people I do not normally see on this day and ate foods quite different from the ones I had grown accustomed to but for the most part it was a fantastic day filled with laughter, family, fun and food.

Some of that food, of course, came home with us including turkey, stuffing, gravy, cranberry sauce, green bean casserole and creamed onions. By the next day everything but the turkey was gone and I was strongly considering what to do with the three slices of white meat, chunks of dark meat and wing we still had laying around but no extras to eat with it. This morning I decided a soup would be a nice idea and for the first time ever I attempted to just wing it, like so many people I know who cook, and just throw a bunch of stuff in the pan.

In case anyone is looking for what to do with their leftovers and are not going to make cocktails out of them (tried to find the link but to no avail, this was a story on local news on Thanksgiving night -- gravy cocktail no joke!) I strongly recommend trying this fly by recipe out. For those of you veggies out there just exchange the turkey for extra veggies like celery, broccoli, corn or anything else that graces the table during the holidays because the spices will really flavor them up nicely!

Smells Like Thanksgiving
Fill a medium sauce size pan about three quarters full of cool water
Shake in a bunch of brown rice (less than a full cup)
Cut up carrots & onions and add as desired
Throw in all the leftover turkey you like
Shake in dry basil, black pepper, sea salt, cinnamon and nutmeg as desired
Add about 4-5 small cloves
Cover & slow simmer boil about 2+ hours

Here is what it looks like on my stove

I hope Matt gets home from his appointment soon or I might just eat it all without him! It will definitely be enjoyable to walk off this filling meal later today in mid fifty degree weather on December first. Who knows what it will be like tomorrow so I am fully taking advantage of the beauty in today.