…wanted to scream, laugh, cry, shake, dance, yell, applaud, thank
and shout all in the exact same moment?
Well if you have then you’ve got a teeny clue about what the
inside of my brain has looked like for the past couple months. I used to come
over here and use this space to rant as my personal form of therapy when I felt
like my head might just pop off at any second.
But since this summer started my ADD and overwhelmed,
overflowing, over capacity mind has been in full-steam overdrive and I couldn’t
seem to reign it in enough to even rant.
Every last word of that song just segues so perfectly into
the entire point of all of this stupid bullshit that I couldn’t figure out how
to stop from taking over my life. But then it all took over anyway.
This past weekend Matt, my mom & I went to see Jason
Mraz perform live here in Phoenix. It was the first time I’d seen him take the
stage in over four years and I was looking so forward to the show that I could
hardly contain my excitement.
As I predicted, the show was amazing. I soaked in all the
positivity he spewed from the stage. I let the whole vibe just wash over me
like a big fuzzy blanket of awesome and I felt so great.
Then something really weird happened.
The next day we were invited to go and enjoy an afternoon
with some great friends. Nothing fancy. No pressure. Just some pool time, wine,
fun in the sun. And I couldn’t get my ass off the couch.
All of the blackness that had been bubbling for so long came
flooding up through that blanket of awesome, coated it in sludge, and pulled me
into its depths of suckage.
Quicksand inside my head that folds my good thoughts into suck-tion
and no matter what I do to try to swim out, I just can’t break free.
I was in such a terrible place in my head that I couldn’t
imagine spending one second with anyone. I felt insanely vulnerable. Overly
self-conscious. But I know it was for absolutely no reason whatsoever.
Seriously, no reason. I look fine. I don’t have any
weird health stuff going on right now (thankfully). I just couldn’t wrap my
head around anyone being around me. I disconnected. I was sitting here on my
sofa with my mom and Matt but I was so far away from present I wondered if I would
ever get back.
My mind was racing at a billion miles a second with way too
many horrible things. Stuff that doesn’t matter for shit in the grand scheme of
life. But stuff that makes me feel like I’m balancing precariously on the edge
of that proverbial razor blade.
But I know it’s just me. Sometimes it happens and I have no
choice other than to sink into it and let
it happen.
I hate it though, especially when it stops me from having a
good time, but I realized this morning that I can’t feel bad about it. Because
when it happens I always come out the other side of it understanding more about
who I actually am. I have a greater sense of what I want, what I need in my life. And also what I don’t.
A big house. A cool car. Half an acre of underutilized land.
Makeup in every shade under the rainbow. Area rugs for every room. 6 colors of
the same pair of jeans.
Stuff.
So much fucking stuff.
I should really follow around one of these urban legends I’ve
heard about and find out how they do it. You know the people – they only work
25 hours a week, make over $100,000 a year, have a spotless fresh smelling home,
totally weed-free front yards at all times, homemade organic non-GMO meals on
the table every night, and bath towels that don’t smell because there hasn’t
been a moment to wash them in 3 weeks.
Yeah, I know they don’t really exist, but in this world of “everything
in my life is fucking great!” internet perfection it’s easy to be convinced
that they do.
And it’s just too much for me to deal with anymore.
I’m weeding down.
Starting today I’m fleshing out all the things I don’t need
in my life. I don’t need a Pinterest account. I don’t need a twitter account
for my old company. I don’t need email addresses of people I never communicate
with. I don’t need tax files from 1999.
And I don’t need a house or yard this big.
Another thing we did over this past weekend was watch the
short documentary movie Tiny: A StoryAbout Living Small and it finally hit me:
Matt and I are killing ourselves just to keep up with some
perceived notion of what we should
have and how we should live. And for
what? So I have a place to store books I haven’t read since I was 10 years old
just so I can say I have them?
I started thinking about Jason being on tour. Sure, he’s got
a home base where he can house all the things that mean something sentimental
or otherwise, but for months at a time he lives out of a bus, or a suitcase
even, but he’s enjoying the things that matter
and not needing to be surrounded by copious crap all the time just to feel
fulfilled.
At least I think that’s the case. I don’t know the guy or
anything but based on his own statements I believe that all to be true.
And I believe it to be the most inspiring thing I’ve ever
heard.
Because, why should Matt have to work 50 hours a week, me at
least 45, just to make the money to pay for all of this stuff we don’t really
need? It’s a pitiful existence and causes stupid shit like this to spew out of
my fingers but it doesn’t actually do
anything for either of us.
All it seems to do is make me feel like crap because I have too much crap. An avalanche of
stuff that doesn’t help me feel any happier.
The time has come to sit down together and figure out how to
release all the things that don’t matter so we can embrace more of the stuff
that does.
Laughter. Hugs. Family. Friends. Passion for my career. Music.
Travel. Love.
Maybe if I do that I’ll be able to make it to the next pool
party my friends invite me to. Because instead of feeling chaotic, like I’m
nailed to the floor but could tornado across the world at any second, I’ll have
a fighting chance for a calmer mind.
It's time to fight for focus.
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