I Am Working On a Time Machine

Anyone who went to grammar school here in the United States heard one of the most famous lines ever:

“In 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue”

Had the good Captain crossed land as opposed to the great big sea he might have ended up landing where he intended to, The East Indies, instead of The Bahamas. After returning home Columbus no doubt ran around telling tales of how fabulous a place he discovered full of wonderful topography, gorgeous sunshine, blue skies and possibly even native people chillin’ in flip flops with some cocoa butter oil.

Word of this mystical and magical place, mistaken for the land of the spices they desired to trade, plausibly spread like wild fire all over Europe upon his return home. Whispers of a wondrous place, somewhere to build a fabulous life free of religious persecution, eventually made their way to the Pilgrims who gleefully hauled ass out of the eastern mid-coast of England for this beautiful place where they could start this free, new life.

The reason I am building a time machine is because I plan to go back to roughly 1610 with a big piece of laminated paper and a roll of duct tape. The paper will have a message written on it. The duct tape will be used to stick the page permanently to Plymouth Rock. The page will read something like this:

Dear Pilgrims,

You are roughly 1,530 miles too far north. Get back in your ships and follow the coast south until you hit a warm and wonderful placed named Miami. Please advise, should you decide to scoff at my suggestion roughly 75% of you are not going to make it another six months because it is going to sneak up on you just how cold it really does get here and I know there is no possible way you brought enough jackets, gloves, hats, mittens or wool socks; the village ladies definitely do not knit that fast. I warn you, it is inhuman here during the season known as winter. People should not needlessly be subjected to such harsh reality known as snow, slush, ice, frozen lungs, icicles for hair or frostbite. Those last words probably have not yet been invented but take it from me, it is not a pretty sight. Subsequently you will also be responsible for screwing over approximately 54,680,626 people as everyone begins to procreate just to stay warm and the population explodes over the next 400 years. Oh yes, there will be that many idiots who decide to remain here despite your early warning signs; better known as your rapidly dropping numbers. For some reason unknown, many, many, many morons will decide they must battle against this merciless, ruthless and brutal place just to prove they can. Only the smart will get out and take their chances on the open plains as they race for the gold; a substance known in these parts as the ever elusive warmth of the sun. That all comes later though. For now I will simply offer the same advice that the voice in the basement of every horror movie does: GET OUT. Please do not be the idiot who curiously goes into the cellar anyway even though three quarters of their friends have died tragic deaths.

Sincerely,

The suckers who somehow got stuck here after you people made the mistake to stay.