Monday, March 14, 2016

Counter Attack

Yesterday was planned as one of those rare, lazy days. We did all the errands required for the weekend and upcoming week on Saturday, said screw it to cleaning the house all weekend, and plopped our asses down on the sofa for the entire day.

Last year I started binging Fringe on Netflix and finally wrapped up about a month ago.

As a Lostie I was very invested in checking out another J. J. Abrams show. I’m a person who likes a good concept show based loosely on a twisted conspiracy theory. Fringe perfectly fit the bill.

And as soon as it was done I wanted to start it over again, catch what I might have missed the first time around. Knowing Matt likes similar stuff he started watching with me and was hooked right away.

So all day yesterday we sat on our lazy asses and binged I have no idea how many episodes of the show.

The stuff we were supposed to adult – dishes in the sink, a bag full of recyclables, the calcium crust building up on our bathroom faucet – all sat in wait.

That was, until just before dinner time.

I went to pee and when I got to the living room all I heard was:

“Ergh, spring has sprung.”

I responded by asking Matt if he was having a sneezing fit then rounded the corner into the kitchen. I was supposed to cook some veggies. The plan was finish dinner then get lazy again.

People often ask me how I can keep going and going like that silly Energizer bunny. How can I get up at 7:00 most days, work from 7-5:00 PM, stay awake until close to midnight and then get up to do it all again the next day.

How can I maintain that much energy? I only drink 1 cup of coffee in the morning. It isn’t drugs. I just have one of those personalities where I need to be doing something functional and useful all the time.

But nobody can keep that up forever either. So there are weekends where I try for a day like yesterday was supposed to be. A day I can just sit on my ass and pretend I’m the me I was once upon a time. The procrastinating, indolent teenager.

So when I rounded the corner to see Matt standing in front of the sink holding our vinegar spray bottle in one hand and a paper towel in the other I knew what was going on before I even heard him say:

“No. Ants.”


I really thought (Hoped? Prayed?) we’d taken care of that problem last year. But apparently being Irish means Murphy will come and point while laughing at you for thinking you might get an entire day off to just chill.

An hour later Matt was done with pork chops and our veggies. The ones I was supposed to cook but didn’t have time to do. Instead, I spent all that time vinegar-dousing our countertops, unloading and reloading the dishwasher, scrubbing every inch of the sink (right down to the drain catcher thingie), stove and floor all around the countertops.

We went to the back of the house, I swept out all the leaves and a healthy number of ants that appeared up near the foundation of the house. I then looked up natural ways to get rid of ants while Matt sprayed some chemical nightmare along the foundation.

Disclaimer: I’m usually pretty green and want as humane and natural a solution as possible. Last year we tried vinegar, cornmeal, a host of other kitchen-based products and I think they all just encouraged the assholes to come at us even harder.

Well, I don’t go walking around their house outside so they shouldn’t be anywhere inside mine. Trust me, it isn’t my first choice to use that awful stuff but we’re going to kill them one way or another, don’t have kids or pets and nothing edible is planted anywhere near where the ants trail. So chemical-bomb them we did.

After cleaning inside and outside and spraying that crap I suddenly had a thought:

“Ants are exoskeleton, right?

“Yeah, I think so.”

Thought it may not be any more natural than a chemical compound, I have a box of Borax hanging around. I use it to make laundry detergent. Controversy aside the stuff came from the planet so I am pro-Borax.

And that shit to an exoskeleton is like a human walking through a wood chipper.

I know this from our former experience many, many years ago with fleas infiltrating our house in Springfield. Borax sliced and diced those little monsters to death. Like a pile of tiny powdered Ninjas.

Apparently mixing it with powdered sugar and placing it near the entry point for the ants will have them gobbling it up. Then they bring it back to their home and it kills the colony.

You think you can outsmart me, ants? Yeah, think again.

You stole hours of my lazy Sunday. Forced me to work on my day off.

Me and my box of Borax will eradicate you into oblivion. Bitch, it is so on.

• • • • • • • • • • •
In addition to this drivel I also write books, both fiction and non-fiction.
Learn more on my author page.


JudisJems said...

Wow, just wow! Hope you win the war!!
Love, Mum

Jenn Flynn-Shon said...

I seriously have zero tolerance for bugs in my house and especially any that will eat my food without leaving so much as a dollar in return! Freeloaders!