Tuesday, August 8, 2017

The 20 Words I Hate Related to Internet Sales

Marketing. Ugh. Am I the only one? I can’t be. I mean, if you’re a person in an online environment with a product or service to sell then you pretty much have to eat, sleep, and breath internet marketing these days. Right?

Well yippie-freaking-skippy.

It’s all just words. Shiny things strung together to entice a person into spending their hard earned dollars. And, you know I’m a person in an online world with a product to sell, but, come on.

I write books. Books that fall into pretty specific categories, genres.

Why does that matter? Because keeping someone on the line with a hook is good to get them in the boat but a minnow gets tossed back even though it was still technically considered catching a fish.

Let me put it like this, I tell people I’m an author. Every time a man asks for a business card or my information I say the following line:

“Here you go, but you should probably know you’re not my target audience.”

I’m not a person who will try to snake-oil anyone into buying something they don’t want or need because what good does that do me in the long run?

None. The answer is none.

Those people won’t be my repeat readers. They won’t promote me. They will toss that card in the trash and continue on with their lives not giving a crap that card cost me $0.09. Minnow.

But anyway, I thought I’d share some of the words and phrases related to the new age of selling that kind of make me want to hurl.

1. Strategy (Good luck getting one in a world that changes by the hour.)
2. Content (Usually of the “quality” or “fresh” variety. You mean, words?)
3. Marketing (If you can read it then it’s probably marketing.)
4. Authentic (Having to tell people you are something makes me question how true the statement really is.)
5. Tribe (No, just, no. You aren’t related, descendants. You are on the internet. You are a group or community.)
6. Sell without selling (Yeah, I’ll get right on that. See #2 & 3, right?)
7. Social networking (Essentially redundant.)
8. Quality work (See #4.)
9. Drive traffic (It’s an oxymoron and I hate it.)
10. Authority (How are you supposed to get this if you can’t tell people things without it?)
11. Monetize (This literally means to turn into money. Which literally means a website can’t perform this task.)
12. Avoid self-promotion (Screw rules. Here's some now - shameless self-promotion!)
13. Insert website here (And gasp at people who aren’t using it. Fucking hipsters. It’s already obsolete.)
14. Capture your audience (Uh, I think that’s illegal…)
15. Industry trends (You mean, like, every word/phrase written in this list?)
16. Engage (The definition of this word is: to attract. It has nothing to do with continuous back-and-forth, like people who tout their abilities in #3 want you to believe.)
17. Consistency (Density. Uniformity. Constant and unwavering adherence to a principal or action. AKA: zero flexibility.)
18. Click-bait (The marketing industry can’t make up its mind. Do you want me to click or tell people not to?)
19. Above-the-fold (This phrase has no business outside the newspaper industry. Your mouse has a scroll wheel for a reason. The internet has no fold. Except the folds of time, ever reduced every time you get onto the internet.)
20. Thoughtful posts (So subjective. Who are you to tell me if I’m being thoughtful?)

Sadly, I have to admit to using some or all of the above tactics to get my work in front of readers. 'Tis the way of the internet and the online purveyor of goods.

I would do anything for page rank.

Wait, that's still a thing, right?

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In addition to this drivel I also write books, both fiction and non-fiction.
Learn more on my author page.