Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 2 opened last night around midnight. Premiere day is today. I can’t believe I was able to sleep through the night without being shaken awake by the millions of tween girls screaming their love for whichever side they’re rooting for to sweep Bella off her red eyed feet – Team Edward or Team Jacob.
Okay, in all fairness I have to be upfront and say I haven’t read the books. I may never do so because YA fiction isn’t my go-to first choice. Regardless that Stephenie Meyer is a Phoenix based Author. Years ago my friend and sister tried to get me to read them. I resisted then and that was before I ever knew there were going to be four epic saga movies. Before I knew I was going to have to choose a side.
So let’s talk about those sides shall we? Because I think Bella has an awful difficult choice on her hands.
Let’s start with Edward Cullen.
- Skin sparkles in sunlight
- Pale as a hipster in the corner of a Starbucks in January
- Non-stop brooder
- Kind of a chauvinist jackwagon
- Telepathic ability on anyone except Bella
- Freezing cold skin
- Has a pretty cool “sister” Alice
- Doesn’t have to sleep
- Tries not to drink human blood and only that of animals – a vegetarian vampire!
Then we move to Bella’s other point in the triangle, Jacob Black.
- Tanner than any Jersey Shore cast member
- Lets you see that tan all the time since he never can seem to find a shirt
- Low laundry bills
- High clothing budget since most clothes are destroyed when he goes all wolf on everyone’s ass
- Snarky and delivers a great one liner
- Bound to protect Bella’s kid forever
- Doesn’t eat blood of people but probably not a vegan
- Hot tempered and hangs with a pretty rough crowd
Now maybe it’s just me but neither of those choices sound very, um, smart for a seventeen year old girl. But I’m not seventeen so who am I to judge them right? Because between Edward and Jacob is one man who pretty much didn’t know what to do about his daughter’s growing love for these guys – Charlie Swan.
I’m all about Team Charlie!
- He’s cute in that authoritative kind of way
- He’s a cop so you know he’ll be able to protect you
- He’s just the right mix between snark and brood
- He knows something isn’t quite right about everyone in town
- He likes to chill with a beer and the game
- Oh yeah, he doesn’t turn into anything supernatural, drink blood, chew on puppies or treat his daughter like she’s less than for being a girl
- And seriously, the Magnum P.I. ‘stache just works
Though you all know if there was one vampire to choose, of all the ones I’ve read or watched over the years – The Count, Lestat, Dracula, any of The Lost Boys, Spike (though Angel was better looking and got his own show), Count Chocula, Stefan Salvatore, Edward Cullen – there would only be one who I’d pretty much let sink his fangs into my neck anytime.
Because seriously, when it all comes down to it I’d much rather be on team Damon Salvatore any day. Bella is just an idiot picking between those other self-obsessed dudes when she could have this one! But that’s okay Bella, I’ll be happy to take him off your hands. Why?
- He's chock full of hilarious one liners
- He’s just gorgeous
- He is man enough to let go of the woman he loves because he thinks she loves his brother even though he knows she really loves him
- Doesn’t make friends easily but when he does and they die he continues to buy them a drink at the bar for old time’s sake; now that’s loyalty
- He’s just gorgeous
- Though he can’t dance (really, after 150+ years you’d think the guy could have found time for a lesson or two) he’s willing to take you out to a frat party and dance the night away
- OK, to be fair that’s only so he can drain the blood of a bunch of college idiots and watch you do the same (if you’re Elena) but whatever
- He’s just gorgeous
- The man can hold his liquor
- He drives the coolest muscle car you’ve ever seen
- He lives in a pretty sweet pad
- Sadly his brother lives there too but you’ll have plenty of privacy because the place is huge
- He’s not so shy with the gratuitous half-nakedness but unlike Jacob doesn’t run around shirtless all the time, most of the time he’s threaded up pretty nice
- Come to think of it that whole leather jacket wearing, bad-boy loner simply because he can’t seem to find a woman who doesn’t love his brother (really?) thing is probably the most attractive part of all
- Oh, but did I mention that he’s just gorgeous?
Photos from IMDB found