Saturday, January 22, 2011

I Refuse to Go Out Quietly

In like a lion, out like a tyrannosaurs rex with a toothache. That’s how I plan to get the hell out of Massachusetts.

I just can’t pretend to be a positive, roses and rainbows shooting out of my ass kind of person all the time. Sometimes I need to be pissed off. Sometimes I need to cry, vent, scream, consider leaving everything and everyone in the middle of the night and never looking back. Yes that includes Matt. Yes that includes myself.

This winter has got me spazzing out. I mean more so than any other winter before it. The dark parts of my brain, the murky sludge that I usually only reserve for my incidents of road rage, are spilling over the edge of the infinity pool and seeping into the crevices of my generally happy personality.

And fuck it. You know why? Because I can’t always be fucking happy. I can’t always see the light at the end of the tunnel. I can’t always be this upbeat, positive clone of the self help cookie cutter nation. And I don’t need you to tell me to be, I don’t need a fucking cheerleader. I need to scream, to vent, to curse as much as I like, to be angry and tell anyone saying things like ‘I love love!’ to just fuck right off.

My roses and rainbows became covered in ice, wilted and snapped off only to be plowed up with the snow into a big gray pile of muck onto the curbside. A place that is quickly diminishing in size as we speak.

I don’t expect to win the popular vote here, and frankly that’s of no consequence to me anymore. New readers might be highly offended but you know something, I’m not sorry. It’s not my fault you’re offended, this is my journal and I can say anything I like. If you can’t handle it then that’s that then. So be it. The people who are still around clearly get it, and me, and I could probably name them right now. But I won’t. I’ll let all of you decide for yourselves.

The thing is I admit to being multiple personality, bipolar, schitzo or whatever the fuck you want to call it. Sure I own a company and gee aren’t we always supposed to put our best foot forward on the internet so all our many customers (read: 2) will understand we’re the most awesome of awesomeness? Yeah. Okay. Whatever.

One of my two customers will probably offer to give me a high five after reading this for finally getting it the fuck off my chest so I’m not really too worried about it.

As far as the other one is concerned…guess time will tell on that. Oh well.

I snapped hardcore yesterday or the day before, I don’t really remember and I’m not going searching to find out. But ask Matt and he’ll tell you that he was probably even a little afraid of me. Well maybe not me specifically but rather what I might do to myself or others.

We have so much snow that I literally can’t see out the bottom of my living room window. (This is the only window that allows any sunlight to enter my apartment so it’s pretty vital it doesn’t get covered over. Oh yeah and its about 12 feet off the ground level, so that should tell you how much we really have.) Quitting smoking became a joke. We’re slated to be (without wind chill) at temperatures below zero (the coldest in years according to the weather people) on Tuesday. More snow is due to arrive (maybe another foot) on Wednesday. I’m still showering with my neighbors every fucking day. My bedroom is an ice box. Yada, yada, yada…

This morning was just the last straw.

This morning, our heat went out.

I just can’t fucking do this anymore. Sure the landlord was here in minutes and had a plumber out in no time. Sure my neighbors lent us a space heater. Sure I have fleece lined ski pants and wool socks.

But every cell of my being begs the question WHY? Why should I have to worry about this shit? Why should I have to own fleece lined ski pants? Why am I still living in this vast expanse of barrenness? It’s like a wasteland where wind blows and whips swirls of snow at nothing because there is nothing for it to hit but me. Its icy cold takes over.

And by that I’m referring to my own head.

I need to go. I need to go right now because if I can’t get out of this head place I am most certainly doomed. And no amount of journaling or talking to a therapist is going to change who I am or the things that irritate the hell out of me. Winter irritates the hell out of me. This fact hasn’t changed in 37.65 years and I don’t see it happening now just because everyone is trying to tell me to stay positive and that spring is around the corner.

Fuck that. I can’t do this anymore.


pastrywitch said...

RAWR! Or whatever sound an enraged t-rex makes. Winter is clearly bad for you. Get the f*** out of there. And say whatever the f*** you want. It's your f'n blog.

John said...

I love it and couldnt agree with you more! I remember that feeling and it is why I finally left that frozen tundra. I regret moving here as Florida is also a wasteland in other more vapid ways, but just the same I dont miss that oppressive weather and the feeling that the only light at the end of the tunnel is an oncoming train. Vent away my fellow comrade but maybe get some Xannax to calm you down till you can escape that place and find the sun. xxxooo JC

ginger said...

That's my girl!!

Hoo-Fucking-Rah! Bam! High Five! and a fuckitalltohell!

love you and your anger. <3 RAWR!

#1Nana said...

Okay, so I was really tempted to post a look on the bright side kind of comment, but that would just be my inner mean-girl coming out!
I am also tired of winter. I took a substitute teaching position for several weeks at the middle school and I am more than ready to go back to being retired. I spend time every day searching for a tropical vacation spot. The job ends February 1 and I am heading to a white sand beach.
I hope you find your sunny spot soon.

Jenn Flynn-Shon said...

I love you all, thank you so much for all the RAWRs and for not saying it will all be alright because in that moment, it wasn't.

And it still isn't but as of now, well, at least there's wine :-)

Winter is so bad for me.

Xanax...with the wine I'd be feeling like Will & Grace's Karen :-)

I knew you'd know Ginger ♥

Jann let me know where you end up, I might just be sunning right next to you!

Almost Precious said...

Well glad to see you are indeed totally human and not a "little Miss Pollyanna". Yea, people get pissed, we rant, we rage, we curse, we go get a drink...if we held it all inside we'd explode.

I'm getting tired of this very cold winter, had to cover our little citrus trees as they're predicting frost tonight. Ever tried to cover a thorny lemon tree with a sheet and an icy north wind blowing at 30 mph? Ain't fun ! I'm tired of listing stuff on etsy only to make a sale that nets me 58 cents and I'm tired of emails that are only 1/2 truths and I'm really frackin' tired of the know-it-alls who send me emails with links to snopes or whatever telling me how frackin' wrong my frackin' email was !!!! Oops, sorry this was suppose to be your rant not mine.

Joan said...

Yes, vent away. We do what we need to do. My glass of wine.... I will toast to you.

Bridgete said...

I'll tell you, this winter for me is like...well, imagine you've moved to AZ, and you know how the summers usually are and you're prepared to tolerate the days that are almost too hot even for you. Then imagine that there is a particularly harsh summer that is so hot it has even you questioning the move. That is what this winter is like for me. As you know, I deal with hot weather just about as well as you deal with cold weather...which is to say, I don't. You also probably know that I actually enjoy the winter here because I'm weird and like the snow and such (plus it's the exact opposite of the weather I hate), and even when I'm outside in freezing or below freezing cold, I'm not utterly miserable. But this absolutely horrendously f***ing cold weather lately? No. Even I don't enjoy that. So, by all means, rant away, because even I'm ready to start saying dammit, it's too cold (except I'm trying to win the climate complaint war with my dear Brazilian so you won't hear me say it in front of him).

Tabitha Bird said...

Glad you could get that out. Winters can suck big time. I have a winter in my head often. Even when the sun is shining, it's winter inside me.

Jenn Flynn-Shon said...

Anna you go right ahead & get it out my friend, here or there I'm not picky and you shouldn't be either! The Etsy thing is a little gnawing animal in the way far back of my mind right now too, but once I start listing stuff again this week we'll see how long that stays quiet...

Thanks Joan, I certainly toasted to everyone last night!

It pisses me off when people say 'Where's the warm in Global Warming?!' so I completely understand the battle you're facing Bridgete. Climate change is such a better phrase, and hopefully M will get on board because that's EXACTLY what this is a result of. Not sure anything is too hot for me...I could find comfort on the surface of the sun I think :-)

Tabitha you couldn't have more clearly hit the nail on the head, thank you for that!

Linda Myers said...

Yes, yes, yes. Only for me, it's the damn rain every day for a week. I wish it were cold and snowy.

Last week we were in Puerto Vallarta, Mexico, in the warm sun. I came home and the first thing I posted on my blog was that it was boring.

I wish I were bored again.

Bridgete said...

Oh, I meant I'm trying to win the "I'm more uncomfortable in hot weather than you are in cold weather" battle (not to minimize your discomfort...he complains a little, but I really don't think it's anything like how you are just not made for cold weather, and I know I'm just not made for hot weather). I think I'll have to win by default anyway though, if I have a whole law firm going here I can't just up and move away. ;)

Julie said...

Oh, Jenn, I read this last night before bed and you made me laugh -- and thank God I'm not living where I grew up. I don't miss the snow, only the fireplace, and I think that if I were in your position, there's a good chance someone would have died already. There's no telling what I'll do with that much snow, that much cold, and my poor circulation.

But, for the record, Karen was the highlight of that show for me. ;)

Almost Precious said...

Thanks Jenn for being understanding about my invading your rant. I was also frackin' pissed that the SyFy channel cancelled the damn best show on their fracking station; Caprica. But since I was using the word fracking I concluded most anybody could figure that one out.

Suldog said...

Hey, this winter sucks huge smelly donkey balls. Vent all you want. And you don't need me to tell you this, but get the FUCK out of here for a while. I suggest Vegas. It isn't summer there, either - probably 50's during the day - but it will seem so by comparison. And you'll be indoors most of the time, anyway. See a few shows, get drunk of your ass, gamble a bit, and have a good time. Just my two cents.

Judi FitzPatrick said...

I'm right there with you, kiddo!
Love you, Mum

BTW, verification word is slapolo! ;-)

Judi FitzPatrick said...

I've awarded you the Stylish Blogger Award. You can pick it up here.
Love you, Mum

Rosebud Collection said...

Oh, it sure has been a hard winter so far..Now I see more storms on the way..but it is the start of Feb. and longer days. Jenn, I don't leave the house, I am trapped in this home with fear of driving, if the roads are icy..We have many hills and I said this before, I have gone down them backwards..I am getting too old for this I do understand your upset. Very hard to keep positive in this stuff..but, not to be a pain, we have to keep trying..Just keep your mind on AZ and you will be out of here soon..I have this house/rental property to get rid of and that is not going to be easy..but I have to stay positive. I will never look back at Maine, once I get out..My girls may stay here..but they can visit where ever we are..How the heck I landed here, is beyond me..Anyway, I did get wonderful son-in-laws in the bargin, so that is a plus..haha..
Take care my dear friend..We have to stay sane for our next journey..
Sending love to you..Carolyn

Karen said...

I grew up in MA but left when I was 14 for AZ and have been in the desert ever since - EXCEPT for the last almost 3 yrs when we moved to MT. I *hate* the winters here. Hate them. But, know that when you move to Phx, you'll be complaining about the summers. Oh, yes you will! :)

Nick Thomas said...

Well come on down and join us in South, y'all.