Friday, January 16, 2009

I Am Working On a Time Machine

Anyone who went to grammar school here in the United States heard one of the most famous lines ever:

“In 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue”

Had the good Captain crossed land as opposed to the great big sea he might have ended up landing where he intended to, The East Indies, instead of The Bahamas. After returning home Columbus no doubt ran around telling tales of how fabulous a place he discovered full of wonderful topography, gorgeous sunshine, blue skies and possibly even native people chillin’ in flip flops with some cocoa butter oil.

Word of this mystical and magical place, mistaken for the land of the spices they desired to trade, plausibly spread like wild fire all over Europe upon his return home. Whispers of a wondrous place, somewhere to build a fabulous life free of religious persecution, eventually made their way to the Pilgrims who gleefully hauled ass out of the eastern mid-coast of England for this beautiful place where they could start this free, new life.

The reason I am building a time machine is because I plan to go back to roughly 1610 with a big piece of laminated paper and a roll of duct tape. The paper will have a message written on it. The duct tape will be used to stick the page permanently to Plymouth Rock. The page will read something like this:

Dear Pilgrims,

You are roughly 1,530 miles too far north. Get back in your ships and follow the coast south until you hit a warm and wonderful placed named Miami. Please advise, should you decide to scoff at my suggestion roughly 75% of you are not going to make it another six months because it is going to sneak up on you just how cold it really does get here and I know there is no possible way you brought enough jackets, gloves, hats, mittens or wool socks; the village ladies definitely do not knit that fast. I warn you, it is inhuman here during the season known as winter. People should not needlessly be subjected to such harsh reality known as snow, slush, ice, frozen lungs, icicles for hair or frostbite. Those last words probably have not yet been invented but take it from me, it is not a pretty sight. Subsequently you will also be responsible for screwing over approximately 54,680,626 people as everyone begins to procreate just to stay warm and the population explodes over the next 400 years. Oh yes, there will be that many idiots who decide to remain here despite your early warning signs; better known as your rapidly dropping numbers. For some reason unknown, many, many, many morons will decide they must battle against this merciless, ruthless and brutal place just to prove they can. Only the smart will get out and take their chances on the open plains as they race for the gold; a substance known in these parts as the ever elusive warmth of the sun. That all comes later though. For now I will simply offer the same advice that the voice in the basement of every horror movie does: GET OUT. Please do not be the idiot who curiously goes into the cellar anyway even though three quarters of their friends have died tragic deaths.

Sincerely,

The suckers who somehow got stuck here after you people made the mistake to stay.

13 comments:

ginger said...

oh! oh! can i go with you!!! i want to write a note too! one that says something about how all of that genocide is not what jesus would do and how naughty they all are. also, we can build giant heads on the coast to scare them off. if it works we'll change the course of history and we'll wake up in europe tomorrow without the need for a passport.

that said...sorry it's so cold up there. please don't be jealous of my 60 degree week ahead...or hate me for mentioning it. you can come and visit! i will make cake and coffee!

Bree said...

A-MAZing!

pastrywitch said...

Duct tape would be interpreted as being the work of the Devil. So, maybe giant rolls of duct tape to go with the giant head. And a flag. To show that it belongs to someone already.

Ginger - you forgot to mention the 'sunny' part of our forecast. Yeah, that's right. Sunny. At least until 4pm, when night comes crashing down. Jenn should definitely come out. I have a spare room, if you don't mind sharing with Patsy & Edina.

Dave King said...

Sometimes it's just what a guy's gotta do!

Jenn Flynn-Shon said...

Yes Ginger please come with! I like the idea of the heads but it doesn't keep anyone away from Mt Rushmore so maybe we should conceive of something a little scarier. That devil's duct tape thing is good Kate...let's work with that.

The forecast here also calls for sun its just that for something that is allegedly 11,000 degrees (F) not too much of that heat makes its way to the northeast. A bloggy friend in Maine said it was -23 the other night. Matt saw some places in Maine -50.

F THIS!!! lol...

Karen said...

LOL This is too funny, Jenn! What a difference a move to Miami would have been, huh?

Bridgete said...

Hahahaha.

I made the decision the other day that if people who prefer hot weather can still complain when it gets over 100, then I'm allowed to complain when it gets below 20 even though I honestly do prefer cold weather. But there's cold, and there's cold, and this is ridiculous. =P

ginger said...

heck yes you all have the right to complain about the evil, inhumane cold! and i can't stand the heat when it gets over 85 personally. that's why i love colorado. usually mild winters and only a week or two in july when the heat gets unbearable...and that's only been in the last few years thanks to global warming.

mt rushmore, huh? perhaps we could booby-trap it. we can use the indiana jones movies as inspiration. (i've never spelled booby-trap before and i can't stop giggling).

Jenn Flynn-Shon said...

I dream of 100 degree temperatures even when it is 90. I kid you not. The hotter and more humid the bigger my smile gets. The only time I ever feel it is too hot is when it is 100 with 85% humidity and no breeze when I am sleeping in a room without a fan.

Perhaps we should just build a 200 foot high fortress type wall all the way down the coast until we reach somewhere with a more pleasant climate where we will place a big sign that says Welcome Pilgrims! Of course I'm coming back in the summer to do the construction. Where is Doc Brown when you need him huh?

High Desert Diva said...

*laughing hysterically*

Rosebud Collection said...

I tell you Jenn..I am sinking fast..
Yesterday all we had was more snow..after two terrible cold days..Sure the sun is out today, but I am looking at over a foot of added snow..Hawaii looks better and better..I am now into Positive Imaging..the house will sell and we are on the beach in Hawaii..Hey, anything is worth a try..this is one desperate lady..Keep warm too...

Chris Stone said...

lol. winter got you down, huh? i think i'll join Rosebud in Hawaii!

*anything can be fixed with duct tape... but fixing winter might take more than just one roll.*

TheresaJ said...

Duct tape... LOL! Ugh, sounds awful Jenn. I feel for ya. We've been having a rather warm spell here in the SF Bay Area this past week -- 60's and 70's. Weather changed today though -- dropped a few degrees, gray and a bit of rain. Yes, I know, we're spoiled! I dare not complain, plus we need the rain.

Sending you warm and toasty thoughts... :)