Wednesday, January 7, 2009

How to Tell if You're from Massachusetts

A friend of mine who now lives in sunny Florida sent this to me in email this morning. I proceeded to laugh hysterically at almost everything in this list but I noticed that some of it is out of date or missing critical information so it seemed appropriate to share it with everyone and make notes as needed. All you Mass-holes will understand a lot of this and most of you, whether from Massachusetts or not, will completely get why #1 is in fact #1.

1. The Red Sox World Series win was, and will always be, one of the greatest moments in your life.

2. The guy driving in front of you is going 70 mph and you're swearing at him for going too slow.

This is generally in the right lane. The left lane is for people going too slow at 90. Especially on the Mass Pike.

3. When ordering a tonic, you say a Coke.

4. You went to Canobie Lake Park, Pleasure Island or Water Country as a kid.

Extra bonus points if you are singing the Water Country theme song in your head right now.

5. You actually enjoy driving around rotaries.

This is crap. No one enjoys driving around rotaries, it is just a fact of life here so we deal with it but no one really understands how to do it correctly, we just hold on for dear life and pray we don't crash.

6. You do not recognize the letter 'R' as a part of the English language.

Yeah that's ...O, P, Q, AH, S, T...
Of course we also add it where it does not belong such as when saying pizza (peetzer) or aunt (arnt).

7. Your social security number starts with a zero.

8. You can actually find your way around the streets of Boston.

In a car, on foot or by the T.

9. You know what a 'regular' coffee is.

10. You keep an ice scraper in your car year-round.

Sadly this is the single truest statement in this entire list. In April I move mine to the trunk & then in September it lives on the floor in the backseat for the next seven months because you just never know.

11. You can tell the difference between a Revere accent and a Dorchester accent.

That’s Reveah and Dot thank you very much.

12. Springfield is located 'way out west.'

13. You almost feel disappointed if someone doesn't flip you the bird when you cut them off or steal their parking space.

14. You know how to pronounce the names of towns like Worcester, Billerica, Gloucester, Peabody and Haverhill.

15. Anyone you don't know is a potential idiot until proven otherwise.

16. Paranoia sets in if you can't see a Dunkin Donuts or CVS Pharmacy within eyeshot at all times.

17. You have driven to New Hampshire on a Sunday just to buy alcohol.

18. You know how to pronounce Yastrzemski.

Bonus points for his nickname.

19. You know there's a trophy at the end of the Bean Pot.

20. You order iced coffee in January.

21. You know that the Purple Line will take you anywhere.

22. You love scorpion bowls.

23. You know what they sell at a Packie.

Extra bonus points if you sent your older sibling to one when you were still in High School.

24. Sorry Manny, but number 24 means DEWEY EVANS.

25. You know what First Night is.

26. You know at least one guy named Sean, Pat, Whitey, Red, Bud or Seamus and you know how to pronounce Seamus.

I would also like to add any name that ends in a y -- Mikey, Timmy, Tommy, Jimmy, Johnny, Joey, etc. Bonus points if you know someone named Sully and it’s not their first name.

27. McLobster = McCrap

28. You know at least 2 cops in your town because they were your high school drinking buddies.

Or your sister’s ex boyfriend.

29. You know there are 6 New England states, but that Connecticut really doesn't count.

30. You give incomprehensible directions to tourists, feel bad when they drive off, but then say to yourself, 'Ah, screw ‘em.'

This is mostly because you know there is no way you will ever encounter this person again because they will be so lost they could never find you.

31. You know at least one bar where you can get something to drink after last call.

32. You hate the Kennedys, but you vote for them anyway.

33. You know holding onto the railing when riding the Green Line is not optional.

34. The numbers '78 and '86 make you cringe.

35. You've been to Goodtimes.

Yeah and it really isn’t that Good of a time.

36. You think the rest of the country owes you for Thanksgiving and Independence Day.

37. You have never actually been to 'Cheers.'

38. The words ' WICKED' and 'GOOD' go together.

39. You've been to Fenway Park.

Even my Mom has been to Fenway so yes, this is accurate.

40. You've gone to at least one party at UMass.

Which campus? Oh wait, that is rhetorical I suppose.

41. You own a 'Yankees Suck' shirt or hat.

Or bumper sticker, mug, pin, poster…

42. You know what a Frappe is.

Hands down Brigham’s has the best black & whites anywhere in Boston.

43. You've been to Hempfest.

44. You know who Frank Averuch is.

45. You know Frank Averuch was once Bozo the Clown

46. You can complete the following: 'Lynn, Lynn .....'

47. You get pissed off when a restaurant serves clam chowder, and it turns out to be Snows.

48. You actually know how to merge from six lanes of traffic down to one.

It is called do not look the other driver in the eye, step on the gas and merge!

49. The TV weatherman is damn good if he's right 25% of the time.

50. You never go to Cape Cod,' you go 'down the Cape '.

51. You think that Roger Clemens and Johnny Damon are more evil than Whitey Bulger.

No, not think. You know they are.

52. You know who Whitey Bulger is.

53. You went to the Swan Boats, House of Seven Gables, or Plymouth Plantation on a field trip in elementary school.

54. Bobby Orr is loved as much as Larry Bird, Tom Brady, and Ted Williams.

55. You remember Major Mudd.

56. You know what candlepin bowling is.

Almost every Sunday with my Dad for a boat load of years we went to Lanes ‘N Games in Cambridge on Rt. 2 and played candlepin. Those are some of the best memories ever, he taught me how to throw a ball without lobbing it and without twisting my wrist so maybe I could get a strike. As we got older it was an occasional fun spot for us to hang at with friends because we could take the bus to Magnolia Street, walk across Thorndike Field and cross the highway via the walking overpass to land right in the parking lot. This is where I fell in love with Pac Man, and pin ball machines.

57. You can drive from the mountains to the ocean all in one day.

58. You know where Scollay Square once stood and what is there now.

59. When you were a kid, Rex Trailer was the coolest guy around. Speaking of which.... You can still hum the song from the end of Boom Town.

61. Calling Carrabba's an 'Italian' restaurant is sacrilege.

62. You still have your old Flexible Flyer somewhere in your parents' attic.

63. You know that route 128 and 495 is some kind of strange weather dividing line.

64. The only time you've been on the Freedom Trail is when relatives are in town.

Or a school field trip if the teacher was particularly adventurous.

65. The Big Dig tunnel disaster wasn't a surprise.

Wait, is the Big Dig finished?

66. You call guys you've just met 'Chief' or 'Boss.'

Or ‘Guy’.

67. 4:15pm and pitch black out means only 3 more shopping days until Christmas.

68. You know more than one person with the last name Murphy.

And probably call them Murph.

69. You refer to Savin Hill as 'Stab 'n Kill.'

70. You've never eaten at Durgin Park, but recommend it to tourists.

71. You can't look at the zip code 02134 without singing it.

72. You voted for a Republican Mormon as Governor just to screw with the rest of the country.

73. 11 pm? Drunk? It means one thing: Kowloons!

Yes and refer to #22 for how to maintain the buzz once you get there.

74. 2 am? Drunk? It means one thing: Kelly's! The one on Revere Beach not the one on Route 1.

75. 5 am? Drunk? It means one thing: You wish you had a blanket in your back seat.

76. You know that P-Town isn't the name of a new rap group.

77. People you don't like are all 'Bastids.'

78. You took off school or work for the Patriots first Super Bowl Win Parade.

And the Red Sox World Series parade. Both of them.

79. You've called something 'wicked pissa.'

80. You'll always get razzed for Dukakis.

81. Saturday afternoons meant Creature Double Feature with Dale Dorman.

Oh man, Godzilla was the best.

82. Sunday mornings meant the Three Stooges on Channel 38.

Not in my house.

83. You've slammed on your brakes to deter a tailgater.

And it doesn’t work because they all drive here too and know all the tricks.

84. No, you don't trust the Gorton's Fisherman.

85. You know that Papa Gino's usually has a jukebox.

At least they used to. Most of them are gone now which is such a bummer because this was a regular afternoon of fun with friends in High School.

86. You think Aerosmith is the greatest rock band of all time.

87. Your town has at least 6 pizza and roast beef shops.

Banks and hair dressers too.

88. You know at least three Tony's, one Vinnie and a Frankie.

89. 20 degrees is downright balmy as long as there is no wind - then it gets wicked cold.

It is not uncommon in the eastern part of the state at least to see people walking around in shorts when it is in the 30’s. Of course they are also wearing a sweater and windbreaker (Red Sox of course).

90. You were very sad when saying goodbye to the Boston Garden.

I have pictures of the Garden from the old Expressway when it used to be above ground and cut right through the middle of the city. There was a Budweiser billboard out front that read ‘Thanks for the Memories’.

91. Thanksgiving means family, turkey, High School football, and the long version of Alice's Restaurant.

92. You know the guy who founded the Boston Pops was named Athah Feedlah.

93. You know what the Combat Zone is.

Well what it was anyway. Now it is just a bunch of gorgeous brownstones worth a billion each.

94. You actually drive 45 minutes to New Hampshire to save $5 in sales tax.

Yup, do this every couple weeks in fact.

95. You've pulled out of a side street and used your car to block oncoming traffic so you can make a left.

This is not optional here, you have to or else you will never get anywhere.

96. You've bragged about the money you've saved at The Christmas Tree Shop.

97. You've been to Hampton Beach on a Saturday night.

98. Playing street hockey was a daily after school ritual.

99. Hearing an old lady shout 'Numbah 96 for Sioux City!' means it's time for steak.

100. You remember Jordan Marsh, Filenes, Grants, Bradlees, Zayres, or Ann & Hope.

Or Caldor.

101. You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends from Massachusetts.


High Desert Diva said...

There's a similar e-mail floating around cyber space for Oregonians, although not nearly as long.

Karen said...

I moved from MA as a young teen, so a lot of these don't fit me, but I sure did go to Plymouth Plantation in 4th grade and The 3 Stooges were *always* on in our house :)

Judi FitzPatrick said...

This is great, going to add my 2 cents to some of them:

4. Don't forget Nantasket and Norembega Park.
18. I know but won't spoil it.
28. To your comment - LMAO!
54. Some of us love Bobby most of all!!!
82. Guess by the time you came along I was all Stooged out from watching them nightly on Major Mudd!
90. I miss the "Heavens" and "Gallery Gods"
91. You can still catch Alice's Restaurant at 91.9/ every Thanksgiving.
100. You're too young to remember - my additional favorites were Gilchrist's and Conrad & Chandler. My grandmother loved Bonwit Teller.

To add one more - in grammar school we used to come home for lunch in spring and fall. We always watched Big Brother Bob Emery and joined him in saying the Pledge of Allegiance and toasting the president with a glass of milk.

Thanks for the memories.
Love, Mum

ginger said...

hahaha! there's one of those for colorado i get occasionally. i get a lot of these because of all of the fine folks i know from mass. i have to admit that i was lost on many though.

i do know what a packie is and i often say wicked pissa. traffic sounds terrible there!

this was a fun read. xoxo

TheresaJ said...

What a fun read. LOL -- learned a lot! Not from MA, but rather CA, but I was singing -- and still do sometimes -- 02134. It's amazing how that is drilled into my subconscious. We're talking Zoom, right? (Conjuction Junction is also drilled into my head, as well as a few other School House Rock songs, but that's another story). The Stooges never aired at my house either -- it was the only thing on TV in those days my father wouldn't allow my brothers and I to watch. Said it would only teach us to be stupid or to do stupid things. I ended up married to a man who loved the stooges, although we divorced after ten years. Maybe my Dad was right! :)

Bridgete said...

Alright, here's why I fit in:

2 - Exactly what I'll be doing once I have a car here. I hate slow drivers, and slow is "flow of traffic" slow, regardless of what the sign says. That's also an Oregon thing because the state has obnoxiously low speed limits so everyone speeds.

5 - Oh good, I thought this one was odd. As far as I knew everyone hated them. There's one in Portland - yes, one, in the whole city - and I avoid it like the plague. Mainly because it's even worse when there's only one and people are encountering it thinking, "WTF is this crap?"

7 - I'm getting pretty damn good at on foot and on the T.

15 - Ha! This was me back home. People just thought I was rude. =P

17 - No car yet, but I'm sure I would.

29 - OMG I cracked up. When people at home ask me what they all are Connecticut is the one I always forget.

30 - Yep. I'm a big fan of saying, "oh yeah, it's that way a few blocks, you're going the right direction." I always mean it, but I'm sure it doesn't help.

33 - First place I lived was on the green line.

38 - Of course they do!

39 - I have been, but would you believe it, Nessa grew up here and SHE hasn't!

41 - I have a "flair" on Facebook, it's the Y with a red "no" symbol over it.

42 - I learned quickly. =)

47 - Okay, don't know what Snows is but I'm assuming it's something canned or similar and yes, I'd be pissed.

48 - I could do this because Washington (state) drivers don't know how to merge, and Seattle has some f-ed up highways with weird merging all over the place.

50 - I call it the cape. In fact, when my dad was here, for some reason we were near a US map and he looked at Massachusetts and said, "So is Boston in that little hookie thing?" And I said, "no, that's the cape" and then showed him where Boston is.

57 - I'll never fit this one, because those aren't mountains and you can do that in Oregon. =P

61 - Never been there, but knowing what IS an Italian restaurant, I'll agree. =)

64 - I'm assuming this means other than when you're walking around downtown and look down and think, "oh, a bit of the Freedom Trail." Anyway, yes, because that's where I took my dad, lol.

83 - Did it at home.

86 - Loved 'em before I got here.

87 - Yep.

89 - Ha, yes. People hear about me taking the trash out in 20 degrees with just a sweatshirt on and think I'm crazy.

94 - I probably would, I grew up in one of the only other states (or maybe the only other one, I can never remember if there's more than two...) without a sales tax.

95 - I have personally witnessed the fact that yes, if I'm going to drive, this is the only way to get anywhere.

Rosebud Collection said...

Wow, that is quite the list..When I had to go to Boston, from N.Y.(my dad was in New England Deaconess) we kept seeing Rotary signs..At home, when the Rotary meets, they put the sign up on the highway..Need I say more?
I just thought, until I realized, what a busy Rotary. Have to admit, it did take me two rotaries to realize it wasn't a meeting. As for Yaz..he was born on Long Island..Yep, good ole Polish boy..

Chris Stone said...

what a great list! so true about the rotaries. and isn't there an "h" in bastid?

Jenn Flynn-Shon said...

I would love to see the ones for Oregon & Colorado if you ladies have a chance to locate & want to post them! It always fascinates me how a different area in the same country can be so distinctly their very own place. Heck, even the western part of this state probably wouldn't get half of this list!

Silvia said...

Well Jenn,
for me, that I'm totally ignorant about different kinds of people from all over your country, and so I can't make a poor difference one from the another, this is so useful:-)
I laughed out loud:-D


Jenn said...

Wicked pissah!

I lived in Summahville.

Oh, Lynn, Lynn, city of sin!