A friend of mine who now lives in sunny Florida sent this to me in email this morning. I proceeded to laugh hysterically at almost everything in this list but I noticed that some of it is out of date or missing critical information so it seemed appropriate to share it with everyone and make notes as needed. All you Mass-holes will understand a lot of this and most of you, whether from Massachusetts or not, will completely get why #1 is in fact #1.
1. The Red Sox World Series win was, and will always be, one of the greatest moments in your life.
2. The guy driving in front of you is going 70 mph and you're swearing at him for going too slow.
This is generally in the right lane. The left lane is for people going too slow at 90. Especially on the Mass Pike.
3. When ordering a tonic, you say a Coke.
4. You went to Canobie Lake Park, Pleasure Island or Water Country as a kid.
Extra bonus points if you are singing the Water Country theme song in your head right now.
5. You actually enjoy driving around rotaries.
This is crap. No one enjoys driving around rotaries, it is just a fact of life here so we deal with it but no one really understands how to do it correctly, we just hold on for dear life and pray we don't crash.
6. You do not recognize the letter 'R' as a part of the English language.
Yeah that's ...O, P, Q, AH, S, T...
Of course we also add it where it does not belong such as when saying pizza (peetzer) or aunt (arnt).
7. Your social security number starts with a zero.
8. You can actually find your way around the streets of Boston.
In a car, on foot or by the T.
9. You know what a 'regular' coffee is.
10. You keep an ice scraper in your car year-round.
Sadly this is the single truest statement in this entire list. In April I move mine to the trunk & then in September it lives on the floor in the backseat for the next seven months because you just never know.
11. You can tell the difference between a Revere accent and a Dorchester accent.
That’s Reveah and Dot thank you very much.
12. Springfield is located 'way out west.'
13. You almost feel disappointed if someone doesn't flip you the bird when you cut them off or steal their parking space.
14. You know how to pronounce the names of towns like Worcester, Billerica, Gloucester, Peabody and Haverhill.
15. Anyone you don't know is a potential idiot until proven otherwise.
16. Paranoia sets in if you can't see a Dunkin Donuts or CVS Pharmacy within eyeshot at all times.
17. You have driven to New Hampshire on a Sunday just to buy alcohol.
18. You know how to pronounce Yastrzemski.
Bonus points for his nickname.
19. You know there's a trophy at the end of the Bean Pot.
20. You order iced coffee in January.
21. You know that the Purple Line will take you anywhere.
22. You love scorpion bowls.
23. You know what they sell at a Packie.
Extra bonus points if you sent your older sibling to one when you were still in High School.
24. Sorry Manny, but number 24 means DEWEY EVANS.
25. You know what First Night is.
26. You know at least one guy named Sean, Pat, Whitey, Red, Bud or Seamus and you know how to pronounce Seamus.
I would also like to add any name that ends in a y -- Mikey, Timmy, Tommy, Jimmy, Johnny, Joey, etc. Bonus points if you know someone named Sully and it’s not their first name.
27. McLobster = McCrap
28. You know at least 2 cops in your town because they were your high school drinking buddies.
Or your sister’s ex boyfriend.
29. You know there are 6 New England states, but that Connecticut really doesn't count.
30. You give incomprehensible directions to tourists, feel bad when they drive off, but then say to yourself, 'Ah, screw ‘em.'
This is mostly because you know there is no way you will ever encounter this person again because they will be so lost they could never find you.
31. You know at least one bar where you can get something to drink after last call.
32. You hate the Kennedys, but you vote for them anyway.
33. You know holding onto the railing when riding the Green Line is not optional.
34. The numbers '78 and '86 make you cringe.
35. You've been to Goodtimes.
Yeah and it really isn’t that Good of a time.
36. You think the rest of the country owes you for Thanksgiving and Independence Day.
37. You have never actually been to 'Cheers.'
38. The words ' WICKED' and 'GOOD' go together.
39. You've been to Fenway Park.
Even my Mom has been to Fenway so yes, this is accurate.
40. You've gone to at least one party at UMass.
Which campus? Oh wait, that is rhetorical I suppose.
41. You own a 'Yankees Suck' shirt or hat.
Or bumper sticker, mug, pin, poster…
42. You know what a Frappe is.
Hands down Brigham’s has the best black & whites anywhere in Boston.
43. You've been to Hempfest.
44. You know who Frank Averuch is.
45. You know Frank Averuch was once Bozo the Clown
46. You can complete the following: 'Lynn, Lynn .....'
47. You get pissed off when a restaurant serves clam chowder, and it turns out to be Snows.
48. You actually know how to merge from six lanes of traffic down to one.
It is called do not look the other driver in the eye, step on the gas and merge!
49. The TV weatherman is damn good if he's right 25% of the time.
50. You never go to Cape Cod,' you go 'down the Cape '.
51. You think that Roger Clemens and Johnny Damon are more evil than Whitey Bulger.
No, not think. You know they are.
52. You know who Whitey Bulger is.
53. You went to the Swan Boats, House of Seven Gables, or Plymouth Plantation on a field trip in elementary school.
54. Bobby Orr is loved as much as Larry Bird, Tom Brady, and Ted Williams.
55. You remember Major Mudd.
56. You know what candlepin bowling is.
Almost every Sunday with my Dad for a boat load of years we went to Lanes ‘N Games in Cambridge on Rt. 2 and played candlepin. Those are some of the best memories ever, he taught me how to throw a ball without lobbing it and without twisting my wrist so maybe I could get a strike. As we got older it was an occasional fun spot for us to hang at with friends because we could take the bus to Magnolia Street, walk across Thorndike Field and cross the highway via the walking overpass to land right in the parking lot. This is where I fell in love with Pac Man, and pin ball machines.
57. You can drive from the mountains to the ocean all in one day.
58. You know where Scollay Square once stood and what is there now.
59. When you were a kid, Rex Trailer was the coolest guy around. Speaking of which.... You can still hum the song from the end of Boom Town.
61. Calling Carrabba's an 'Italian' restaurant is sacrilege.
62. You still have your old Flexible Flyer somewhere in your parents' attic.
63. You know that route 128 and 495 is some kind of strange weather dividing line.
64. The only time you've been on the Freedom Trail is when relatives are in town.
Or a school field trip if the teacher was particularly adventurous.
65. The Big Dig tunnel disaster wasn't a surprise.
Wait, is the Big Dig finished?
66. You call guys you've just met 'Chief' or 'Boss.'
67. 4:15pm and pitch black out means only 3 more shopping days until Christmas.
68. You know more than one person with the last name Murphy.
And probably call them Murph.
69. You refer to Savin Hill as 'Stab 'n Kill.'
70. You've never eaten at Durgin Park, but recommend it to tourists.
71. You can't look at the zip code 02134 without singing it.
72. You voted for a Republican Mormon as Governor just to screw with the rest of the country.
73. 11 pm? Drunk? It means one thing: Kowloons!
Yes and refer to #22 for how to maintain the buzz once you get there.
74. 2 am? Drunk? It means one thing: Kelly's! The one on Revere Beach not the one on Route 1.
75. 5 am? Drunk? It means one thing: You wish you had a blanket in your back seat.
76. You know that P-Town isn't the name of a new rap group.
77. People you don't like are all 'Bastids.'
78. You took off school or work for the Patriots first Super Bowl Win Parade.
And the Red Sox World Series parade. Both of them.
79. You've called something 'wicked pissa.'
80. You'll always get razzed for Dukakis.
81. Saturday afternoons meant Creature Double Feature with Dale Dorman.
Oh man, Godzilla was the best.
82. Sunday mornings meant the Three Stooges on Channel 38.
Not in my house.
83. You've slammed on your brakes to deter a tailgater.
And it doesn’t work because they all drive here too and know all the tricks.
84. No, you don't trust the Gorton's Fisherman.
85. You know that Papa Gino's usually has a jukebox.
At least they used to. Most of them are gone now which is such a bummer because this was a regular afternoon of fun with friends in High School.
86. You think Aerosmith is the greatest rock band of all time.
87. Your town has at least 6 pizza and roast beef shops.
Banks and hair dressers too.
88. You know at least three Tony's, one Vinnie and a Frankie.
89. 20 degrees is downright balmy as long as there is no wind - then it gets wicked cold.
It is not uncommon in the eastern part of the state at least to see people walking around in shorts when it is in the 30’s. Of course they are also wearing a sweater and windbreaker (Red Sox of course).
90. You were very sad when saying goodbye to the Boston Garden.
I have pictures of the Garden from the old Expressway when it used to be above ground and cut right through the middle of the city. There was a Budweiser billboard out front that read ‘Thanks for the Memories’.
91. Thanksgiving means family, turkey, High School football, and the long version of Alice's Restaurant.
92. You know the guy who founded the Boston Pops was named Athah Feedlah.
93. You know what the Combat Zone is.
Well what it was anyway. Now it is just a bunch of gorgeous brownstones worth a billion each.
94. You actually drive 45 minutes to New Hampshire to save $5 in sales tax.
Yup, do this every couple weeks in fact.
95. You've pulled out of a side street and used your car to block oncoming traffic so you can make a left.
This is not optional here, you have to or else you will never get anywhere.
96. You've bragged about the money you've saved at The Christmas Tree Shop.
97. You've been to Hampton Beach on a Saturday night.
98. Playing street hockey was a daily after school ritual.
99. Hearing an old lady shout 'Numbah 96 for Sioux City!' means it's time for steak.
100. You remember Jordan Marsh, Filenes, Grants, Bradlees, Zayres, or Ann & Hope.
101. You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends from Massachusetts.