Tuesday, September 2, 2008

The Effort, The Voice, The Missing Pieces

Like Aerial in The Little Mermaid, I feel as if my voice has been literally pulled out of me. All of my words are seeming to fall short or are far to convoluted to complete a train of thought that anyone can follow other than me. In times like this I tend to turn inward, review myself and eventually everything comes spewing out in a matter of a couple days but it has been far longer and I can not wrap my head around anything because everything is up in the air and out of place.

Life will never be the fantasy world I want it to be because I am not the only one living it; true I am the only one living mine but with seven billion-ish people on the planet that is quite an array of outside influence in my choose-your-own-adventure story to make things turn in ways I never considered. This is not a scripted movie. At least I hope its not. Never in my life have I lived with regret and I do not intend to begin doing so now. I have to persevere and contemplate but make my choice for myself without looking forward or back. I can only do what is right for me and I can only live in the moment right now. Changing the details of the past or mapping out every aspect of the future is impossible.

My life is in flux in many ways right now and although it is all connected it makes me feel as if every wire has been pulled out of my personal circuit board and left exposed to create sparks separately. Individually they are basically harmless but blend all the sparks together and that will create a level of voltage that I have never quite faced before. Instead of dwelling in the drama that comes along with life’s currents I have made a conscious decision to cap off the ends of those wires and shove them back inside my brain as I throw the switch to kill the power.

At this moment I am going to shake it off completely, continue to load up on analogy but relate to nothing other than my own heart and mind. I will not speak of it anymore because I need to figure it out without the billions who live for themselves telling me how to live for me. Moments of fun seem far gone and I want to get them back.

In the spirit of that, here is a story to break the tension and perhaps help my mind relax back into its old comfortable place of goofiness. This is created completely from the 41 words on our Scrabble board and fifteen additional words so the story flows. Where I have added words they will be underlined. Enjoy!

Delay icy exit, or dote as chefs amp the crew with a dowel. Find the ream in a bin. Tug it down dazed, jot XI in ink on the keg. He gave no rune? Oy. The fib is flat as a rug or bib. Even a trio of grazers get whiny in the attic. Los squalos, la puma.

Squalos is not actually a word but I am sure we used it as if it were something in Spanish before acquiring a dictionary. Does any of it make sense? Not really but then that is what I feel for the world right now, this just brings me back to a simpler time and makes me feel like maybe there is still a fun loving and loved person trapped inside. Like a New York bagel; crunchy outside, all squishy and warm on the inside.


Sahara said...

Oh I wished I could write like you! To be able to put in words what is inside your head and make it look effortless has got to be so satisfying. Brilliant post.

Chucka, you definitely come across as a fun loving and loved person! :)

Moxie said...

GREAT blog! A new fav for me, I can totally relate to the "choose your own adventure" perspective. You are so not alone, in a NY bagel kind of way.

draagonfly said...

Damn I miss NY bagels. :D

Be careful messing with all those live wires. Life can be shocking.

AdornmentsbyMilani.com said...

You are a gifted writer. I look forward to reading more of your posts. Btw, thanks for stopping by our blog:)

High Desert Diva said...

Playing blog catch up here.

Happy to hear the twins have arrived! Holding babies makes the world seem like a better place, eh?

Rosebud Collection said...

Not sure I am reading this post right..but my thoughts are..The past is over..if you have learned something from it, it is not wasted..but you can change now..the word is "Choices"..but when you choose..make sure you can live with the choice..A saying I have always loved.."The grass always looks greeneron the other side, till you get there and it is all brown.."
So I make up my sayings..I had to be quick on my feet with five girls.

Suldog said...

Capping off the ends is a good move. Connections can almost always be re-made later.


God bless.

ginger said...

to the post, i say HOO-RAH!...i could also say how beautifully it's written or how inpsiring you are. i could say a lot of things.....but i think hoo-rah! says it best.

and i love that you can use "oy" as a scrabble word.


Chris Stone said...

Well. The NFL season is about to start! maybe that'll help? I've always found it an uncomplicated good time. (particularly since I root for the Pats! LOL!)

great pic of the scrabble board! I might try scrabble again sometime....

Jenn Flynn-Shon said...

I have been thinking about NY bagels since I wrote this. Could be time for a Manhattan road trip lol.

Yes, it is definitely time to breathe and make some choices. The difficult ones usually require more contemplation of course but I just keep thinking that none of them will matter when the day comes that I kick so I should do what is best inside my heart and soul for the now. Thanks for the mucho support everyone!

Football will be a little ray of sunshine this fall as every other year :) My sister gets to go to the Broncos season opener in Oakland. Lucky girl!!!

Bree said...

Now that I have actually had a NY bagel, I can concur...they are fantastic!

I want to play scrabble with your team sometime! :)

Samantha-Rose Hunt said...

I am definitely in a similar spot...my voice has been gone, or choked here for a while. No matter how hard I try I can't seem to get the words out...I really LOOOOVE reading your blog!

Judi FitzPatrick said...

Great post, hope the connections are better and the spark is as it should be.
Love, Mum