It is common knowledge that I have absolutely no trouble speaking my mind and sharing my own personal pearls of wisdom with anyone insane enough to listen. My passionate nature runs very deep and I will stand by my convictions until I die. Well, at least until I run out of breath. I will spout my madness as if the world depends on it and will not stop until I wear a person down to the point where they give in and agree with me simply to shut me up. Call me competitive, I do not like to lose and have even been told that I could “sell a dog off a meat wagon”; you better believe I am damn proud of it. For those of you like-minded loonies out there, here are some haphazard hypothesis I live by.
One of my favorite movie quotes of all time is the way I feel about most of society: “You have a freak flag. You just don’t fly it”. Everyone, admit it or not, has an out of control, crazy side to their personality it is just that some people try to hide it more than others. A great example of this is politicians. These people try so very desperately to be perfect, to say just the right thing, that they completely miss out on what it means to be alive. Perhaps they are held to far too high a standard but I say c’mon Hilary, do the running man on stage just because there is music playing. McCain could seriously win my vote if he would just sing out loud while he is alone in the car. Loosen up people; it is just life after all.
The reason shark attacks have been on the rise in the past few years is because humans are farming off all the deeper water fish they would normally eat so sharks have to creep in closer to the shoreline to locate food. Due to this belief I have pretty much stopped eating ocean fish. I like to think that because of this it will not be my legs that get nibbled on while swimming this summer.
People who are afraid to drive or have other priorities should never, ever, get behind the wheel. Year after year northeast cities have some of the highest incidents of road rage as well as, statistically, some of the worst drivers on the road. The thing with Boston is being able to predict unpredictability so I subscribe to the following rules of driving:
1. People doing 40 miles per hour should not be on the highway; it’s the vertical pedal on the right people, locate it for all of our sakes.
2. Hang up and drive.
3. Consult your map on your own time. If your car is moving in front of mine then this is not your own time.
4. If your foot is on the gas there should not be a book on your steering wheel or a mascara wand in your hand.
5. It really doesn’t take that much effort to locate the little stick in the side of the steering column known as the directional. Find it and use it and if you’re having trouble because your hands are not free then refer to #2.
6. Placing your car bumper two inches away from mine will not make me drive any faster simply to appease you. This is why I don’t travel in the left lane; I leave that open for psychos like you that feel it necessary to go 35 over the limit so please just pass me.
So I say get out there and dance, sing, laugh, eat your fruit and drive with both hands on the wheel but live your life with your arms and legs flailing uncontrollably in the air and don’t forget that a cup of tea, your favorite music and a good belly laugh will make everything alright with the world.