Wednesday, November 7, 2007

First Date Jitters

So that whole ‘Maybe it is fate telling me that this is truly the time to be done with that nasty habit’, quitting smoking, blog thing I wrote about was such a great idea that I decided today was the day. So far it is working great. Being home is a blessing because I have no way to smoke while I am here. I quite purposefully smoked the last butt in the house last night right before bed so when moments like this one arrived I could resist temptation. What I am doing instead is walking 50 steps on my stair stepper while alternating between glasses of orange juice and water every time I have that pang for nicotine.

Apparently the addiction was smaller than my fear to stop doing it because it is 3:00, I have been up since 7:00 and I have only walked 150 steps. For you math novices out there that translates into 3 pangs, pings or pongs depending on the time of day & what else I was doing at the time. There is no denying that while paying attention to how my body feels with this change I am noticing how much it was a habit that I fed right into one too many times. I am actually staying home today on purpose because I am afraid I will drive myself right to the smoke shop and we all know what happens then.

Driving was one of the only habitual times I had not altered in the last couple years. The habitual times would be when there is an activity occurring that sparks some firework in the brain to think about smoking at the same time as the other activity, always. When that happens it is instinctual to light up; no one is asking me do I want a cigarette and it is not always when someone else is doing it. The old adage ‘caffeine & nicotine’ is one that works here. Well, it is an old adage to a smoker. Trust me. Ask one.

How I will interact with other people now is really just a big old mystery. I am sure it will be tough at first since my cigarette burned the smoke that formed my safety blanket from actual interaction with anyone. I could always be distracted or have something to do so I never really had much to say to other people except ‘got a light?’ Poor Matt. He is sure to bear the brunt of any special brands of crazy that result from my detox; the kind of crazy you only discover on the most rare of first dates, the ones that never result in scheduling a second date. I would just like to apologize in advance for that one babe.

OK, in the spirit of truth is stranger than fiction…

The very moment I was writing that line about apologizing to Matt he called. After our conversation I would just like to change my mind to say I hope you bear the brunt of a whole sock full of crazy tonight hunny. Thanks for, inside our mere 3 minute conversation, letting me know you were just hanging out having a cigarette before grocery shopping. When I promptly bugged my eyes out and said ‘gee thanks for letting me know’ with heavy derision, you paused for a mili-moment to wonder what the issue was. As if you feel my heart and eyes leap out of my body, you remember to ask ‘how’s that going anyway?’ as if it was something you knew you should ask but abhorred doing since you didn’t care about the answer. I am no longer one of your people.

Maybe it is a good idea to stay home tomorrow too so the good idea of quitting smoking remains good and not most of the contents of the crazy sock.

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